Life is cruel sometimes

I love this baby and I was losing it and I couldn't do anything about it. We both heartbroken.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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Story of #miscourage by Antonia Prior

It was 2012 and I had just given birth to two beautiful daughter via c-section. I couldn't believe they were here. All the way through I feared something would happen to them. 

Fast forward 5 years 25/08/2017 I'm in hospital after having what I can only describe as the worse most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through. I miscarriage at 11 weeks and 6 days. This is my second miscarriage. The first was not like this one. 

We decided to extend our family early on in July 2013 we began to "try" after a year of no luck I went to the doctors who referred me to the consultant. They could no find any issues and explain that it would happen when it happens. ( the worse thing to say to a person struggling with fertility) 
2nd of August 2015 I'm pregnant a positive test yes... I've waited so long to see this positive test it felt unreal. I was not worried this time, I told pretty much everyone I saw I've never been so happy to welcome the news. 

06/07/2015 I started bleeding, it was late in the night and after having bleed with the girls I was not concern. I woke up to fine the bleeding was getting worse and sadly at 5 weeks and 4 days I miscarried. I had no pain and the bleeding was nothing worse than a period. Physically it was easy to get over mentally I couldn't cope. Why me everyone else are having babies all around me!!!!

I was sure I be pregnant straight away after all google told me I would be. I wasn't google lied... another's two years passed and and I continued to hope something would happen. 
In June this year Jack and I made the decision that we couldn't carry on hoping something would happen and putting our life's on hold anymore. We bought are first home I started a new full time job and we booked a holiday in Mexico for April next year. Everything seems great and our lives were moving in a good position. With everything going on having a baby was last thing we thought about so guess what.. big bright positive test.. holly crap I am pregnant. (Remember it always happens when you don't plan it) 

The feeling you have when you see a positive test after so long is amazing. I rang Jack straight away and he couldn't believe it. 

I was scared I would miscarriage again and set myself mini targets... get pass 6 weeks. 6 weeks came and gone. Yes 7 weeks.. I made it further than last time. BLOOD!!!!! No it's happening again I went to bed crying. I woke up to find the bleeding had stopped but I couldn't get this fearing that something was wrong. EPU booked me in for a scan the following week and it felt like a life time. There I was tho 8 weeks and two days with one beautiful baby with a good heartbeat. Once you have seen your baby on the screen alive and well you start to relax. We told a few people by then. 

It was the 11th week and I couldn't believe my 12 week scan was next week. Jack and I planned how we would tell the twins. They would be so excited. Tuesday 22/08/2017 I started spotting brown blood was not that concerned after all I seen my baby they were fine. By Thursday it had not stopped. It had not got worse but was the classic red colour. No pain so I could still be in the game. EPU booked me in for Friday morning. Jack wasn't worried he new everything would be ok. I searched google hoping for a miracle. Friday morning the pain started. The bleeding was still so light though. Still holding on to the belief it was ok. As I arrived at the hospital I rush to the loo, where the most blood I've ever seen came out. We walk to EPU and I was hoping that did not happen again. Sat with the nurse about to head for my scan and suddenly a flood of blood just soaked my trousers and went on the floor.

I was so embarrassed everything happen so quick then and the blood was not stopping. I looked over at Jack to see his eyes tearing up. This was nice for him to see. I felt this immense amount of guilt. Why could I not look after this baby. 

I love this baby and I was losing it and I couldn't do anything about it. We both heartbroken.. why is life so cruel why make us wait for this miracle and then take it away. I needed surgery to remove everything I lost so much blood and they could wait for it naturally to come out. My baby was stucked out of my body. 

We haven't told many people about this pregnancy but I feel like I want people to know about my baby, because they were a person who was very much alive. 

I feel I am alone that this only happen to me as people don't speak enough about early miscarriage. 

I will never forget the only image I have of my baby. Due 10/03/2018 mummy loves you RIP

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

Comments

Please note that these comments are monitored but not answered by Tommy’s. Please call your GP or maternity unit if you have concerns about your health or your baby’s health.
  • By Heidi (not verified) on 31 Mar 2018 - 18:40

    I was so very sorry to read this hard and sad story. I too lost two babies between my first and second born children. It took over a year to fall pregnant & then I lost the baby & then again the second time.. broke my heart in two, as I also felt guilty, because I had a beautiful baby girl & she was 2 years old by this stage.
    We had lots of tests & all came back OK & then I fell pregnant again with my son & he was born healthy. I had convinced myself that I could not carry boys and that was why I lost two.
    I now have three gorgeous children, but I will never forget that I have been pregnant 5 times.

    Big hugs xxx

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 3 Apr 2018 - 16:33

    We are so sorry to hear of your loss and please know that if you need any support or advice, we are here for you. It doesn't matter when you had the bereavement, we support anytime!
    Sophie,Tommy's Midwife

  • By Claire (not verified) on 30 Mar 2018 - 10:45

    This is so close to home, I was due 14/03/18 and miscarried at 11w 5days. Totally unexpected, was our second baby and we took it for granted we were there, 12 weeks (barre a couple of days)! I’d had a lovely bank holiday day out with my son, popped to the loo at tea time and blood! I was “lucky” and it all happened naturally so no surgery needed but I will never forget the feeling of loosing my baby, my three year old knew about the baby as did pretty much everyone as I was showing already! The only positive in that for me was that I talked about it ALOT as a result, at home, at work, with everyone and as a result heard everyone’s stories and my word there was loads! It definitely helped and I was shocked at how much people don’t talk about it! I am now 10w 1day and this week the anxiety has crept in whilst we wait the next two weeks out for our scan, will we get there this time, what will we see, every time I go to the loo waiting for the worst! I will never again take it for granted that miscarriage only happens in the really early weeks!! Get talking people it shouldn’t be something that is taboo!!

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 3 Apr 2018 - 16:34

    We are so sorry to hear of your loss and please know that if you need any support or advice, we are here for you. it sounds like everything is going well for you so far, so good luck with your scan, we have everything crossed for you!
    Sophie,Tommy's Midwife

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