#misCOURAGE story, 08/03/2017, by Sarah
To give you a bit of a foundation to to my story I'll explain briefly what happened; We found out we was expecting in October after 2 months of trying.
I have antiphospholipid syndrome (might have heard it called Hughes Syndrome) which is a blood clotting disorder and means I have sticky blood. I was taking warfarin for this and quickly switched to clexane injections plus a daily dose of aspirin.
I saw the consultants and given regular blood tests.
Then 2 days before turning 11 weeks in December I had some spotting. This turned out to be the start of a miscarriage.
The baby had stopped living at 9+3 weeks. Devastated doesn't come close.
I passed it naturally but still had to have a procedure to clear some of the lining away due to miles illness. I can't describe how horrible that was.
What I want to tell you about is how much stronger this had made me and how much it's made me.
Now I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I wish this never happened to me but I have had to turn it from a negative in to a positive.
By now we would have know the sex of our baby and I would be feeling it kicking me. It breaks my heart every day that I'm not finding this out or feeling these things.
It's made me realise I have a strong marriage. My husband has been a rock. We've been together 11 and half years and the love we have is as strong today as it ever has been.
We've given each other time to heal because it's been different for both of us. I'm still struggling while he is currently being the strong one and holding my hand to help me through this.
I've realised how strong I am as a person. The fact that I thought I would have dealt with this very differently to how I have, shocked me and made me question if I was weak.
I've realised it takes a strong person to open up and ask for help and to admit the pain and heartbreak I'm still suffering.
I'm stronger in knowing that I can get through this, I won't get over it EVER but I know I will find peace at some point. It's a part of me now and something I will always remember.
I just wanted to show that although this is so tough, we can all get through it and see some light at the end of the tunnel.
It's been nearly 3 months since the miscarriage and loosing the baby. It's only now I admit it was a baby and let people around me refer to it as a baby.
I went back to work just under a month of it happening and then a month and a half later I've had to go sick and been signed off cause I've bottled it all up till now and not let my self grieve over our baby.
I'm now stronger because of this and can start to move forward while I still carry these memories.
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