#misCOURAGE story, 20/04/2017, by Thyra
I thought I knew about miscarriages. I mean, when it happens on tv, someone walks dramatically in a room, says 'I'm bleeding' and then the man stoically holds and comforts them. By the next episode, it's all forgotten about and they've all moved on.
The impression you're given is it was pretty much just like a heavy period but they can now straight away try again and whilst in the moment they're a bit upset, there's no real emotional fallout.
My own miscarriage happened in 2014 at 8 weeks pregnant. Pretty early compared to many and I can only imagine how much worse it gets, the further along you are.
I fell pregnant within 3 months of trying to conceive - it was obviously meant to be! 'Look how fertile i am!' I thought to myself.
I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks, so I had 4 weeks of imagining and planning.
You try not to, but you can't help it - from the moment you get that positive test, you see it as a baby.
So when people say 'but it was only a cluster of cells' or 'it wasn't a real baby yet' you can't begin to explain how you'd already started thinking about names, or planning how you'll announce your pregnancy to the world.
It was a Sunday night when I started bleeding. Somehow I knew this wasn't just spotting. It was like when a noise you haven't realised you've been hearing stops suddenly and there's a deafening silence. Something had stopped inside me.
We phoned 111 who advised going to A&E to be checked out. I had blood tests, urine samples and the most rough and unpleasant physical exam I've ever experienced.
They decided to keep me in overnight to scan me in the morning. I had no bedclothes, no toothbrush and was given nothing, so slept in my underwear in a ward full of old women with gastric problems.
The next morning we heard the dreaded words 'I'm sorry, there's no baby'.
There was a sac that was measuring around 7 weeks, but nothing inside it. That morning was supposed to be my booking appointment. We were devastated.
After a long time of waiting, we were sent home and told to return in 2 weeks to decide how to proceed. We spent 2 days at home just crying.
2 weeks later we went back and had a 2nd scan. We sat in a waiting room with other couples happily waiting for their 12 and 20 weeks scans.
The scan confirmed what we had been told the previous time and we opted to go down the medically managed route, so the next day we went and picked up the tablets that would start the process.
We went home and I inserted the tablets - it took a couple of hours for anything to happen and then things went mental. I was bleeding so heavily that I couldn't leave the toilet.
I tried at 1 point, using a heavy pad, but within minutes, blood had soaked through and was running down my legs. I sat on the toilet for 9 hours.
I probably should have gone to A&E given the blood loss, but I didn't even know how I could get there.
At 2am, I was so tired, I asked my husband to set up the bed in the spare room, but to put bin bags under the sheet to protect the mattress. he found an old pillow for me to put under my bottom.
I woke up in the morning and the pillow was saturated but the bleeding had slowed to be merely very heavy. I sat on the floor of the shower and cried.
I took a further 3 days off work to recover physically, at which point my manager phoned and asked if it was really necessary for me to be off that long.
Physical recovery took a long time. I was aneamic and my hormones were haywire. it took 6 months for me to start ovulating again. Emotional recovery took even longer.
The first month I ovulated, I fell pregnant again. I was so scared thanks to my experience, that my GP arranged for me to have an early scan for my emotional wellbeing.
Seeing my rainbow baby's heartbeat at 8 weeks was one of the best experiences of my life. I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum in my 2nd pregnancy and every time I had a 'fluffy' (less sick) day, I panicked, thinking something had gone wrong and I was losing the baby.
Hyperemesis came with it's own challenges, but in the end, was worth every moment and my beautiful daughter was born in September 2015.
Until I experienced a miscarriage myself, I had no idea of the realities of what having one was like, either physically or emotionally.
I am so lucky to have an amazing, supportive husband. A lot of people don't realise or appreciate how hard it is for them either. My husband was also devastated and found the night of the medically managed miscarriage incredibly hard to watch what I was going through.
I'm grateful I found Tommy's as I put a lot of blame on myself and the fact my body had 'failed'. I'm now so much more educated and it has helped us both come to terms with what happened to us.
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