It was the worst experience of my life and I have been suffering panic attacks ever since

This awful experience is made worse when people say: "Oh but you have 3 children already!"

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May 2016

I was pregnant with my fourth child and went with my husband for the 12 week scan. We were told all was well, but that I was only 10 weeks and 3 days, so would need to come back to finish the tests. So at 13 weeks I went alone for the next scan as all was fine as before, what could go wrong? I remember lying on the bed thinking the sonographer is taking her time.

She then asked me to go to the toilet as she could not see very well. I went and got back on the bed, another few minutes later she told me she was very sorry but there was no heartbeat and brought in a doctor who confirmed it. I burst into tears and just didn't know what to do.

They just kept saying it's not your fault, sorry that it had happened.

She asked if had anyone with me and I said no, she said could I phone anyone, but the hospital had no reception. They eventually found me a phone to call my husband, but he was at work and didn't answer. They then just took me to another part of the hospital where I have to wait for 2 hours in a waiting room next to the labour ward where they were having labour room tours. I finally went in to see someone and was given the options of waiting, tablets or an operation.

I was convinced that surgery wasn't the best option. I was told to take some tablets and come back in a couple of days. I went back and they gave me more tablets. I was told I would just have some pain and see some clots. On the ride home, I could feel I had started bleeding. Once we got home it was just waiting, I went to the toilet and could feel something, I I looked down and could see something hanging from inside me, so I pulled at it.... it was my baby, not a clot, a tiny little baby with tiny little fingers, it didn't have fully formed ears but I could see lines on the knuckles, it had is hand up over it's face.

I just started screaming for my husband, I didn't know what to do, this little baby, my baby in my hand.... it felt like I had jut sat there for ages, and eventually let it go down to toilet... I didn't know what else to do with it. I went to lay down and just kept heavily bleeding for the next 20 minutes, must have soaked through 3 lots of trousers each time it has 3 pads on, then I had more pain and went to the toilet and had to deliver the placenta, which I also had to help out.

It was the worst experience of my life and I have been suffering panic attacks ever since, having never done before. At one point I thought I was having heart attack and called an ambulance. I had to go and have the op anyway as there were still some placenta inside and wished I had pushed for that in the first place. Why did they tell me I would only see clots? Maybe they should tell you not to look? Why do you not have a follow up afterwards to see if you are OK? This awful awful experience is made worse when people say, oh but you have 3 children already!! Like I shouldn't be sad about it.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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