I found out I was pregnant at 17. I had only started my period less than 12 months before, so they were still irregular. I thought nothing of having no period for 4 months.
I came down stairs one day and out of no where my mum blurted out "Are you pregnant?"
I laughed. I hesitated. It then dawned on me. That I could be.
I asked my mum why she thought that, and she just replied with "mother intuition". I still have no idea why she thought I was pregnant.
My mum and I walked to shop, "Haha imagine it comes back positive?" I joked, not really understanding what was happening.
It turned out we picked up the wrong test, she got an ovulation test, and we only realised as we got to the house. I ran back and picked up the right one.
So, I did the test and put it on the dining room table, where mum was waiting eagerly, and I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich.
Three minutes past. Mum screamed with happiness. Positive result.
The next few days were filled with happiness and planning, telling close friends and the like.
The father and I went to see the Dr who booked the appointment for the day after I return from holiday.
I left for my holiday. 11 hours in the car there. I was with my younger brother, an old friend and a few new friends. My nan and grandad were staying close by.
Throughout the week we had booked, kayaking, hilltop climbs and zip wires, walks around the city where we were staying. (I didn't take part in any activities and sat aside, apart from the walking.)
The fourth day is when the bleeding started. It was thick and brown. I had no idea what this meant, I asked my nan what it could mean and before I know it, I'm at the nearest hospital
Everyone has this horrible sullen look on their face. It was as if everyone was in on a secret that they thought I knew.
My nan, grandad, my friend and I waited in a small room with a plant on a table in the corner, dimmer lighting than normal hospitals, a desk in the corner, a water cooler, a table with magazines on and comfy mauvey/pink seats. We waited alone for so long in the room, and then a woman walked out with her husband/boyfriend, with a tissue in her hand and a smile on her face.
She looked at me and tried to hide her smile, it turned to a sort of sympathetic, hopeful smile. They held each other close as they walked out.
I was called in. I still had no idea what was happening and why I was in this hospital.
I saw the scanning machine next to the bed and got excited.
"Am I having a scan?"
"Yes" the nurse replied
"What now?" I said with a smile on my face.
I can't remember what the woman looked like.
My friend held my hand.
Blue tissue tucked into trousers and then cold slimey stuff on my belly.
I looked at the screen to my left, my friend held my hand still. She was older than me, and looking back, she probably understood what was happening.
I watched a little oval swish across the screen."Aww look it's my baby!"
Silence filled the room.
"I wonder if its a boy or a girl?"
Silence now surrounded me. It made the hairs on my arms stand up and my spine cold.
All I could hear was the ticking on the clock.
After a few minutes (It may have been less, it may have been longer) the nurse bluntly said, 'i'm sorry, there's no heartbeat.'
I was stunned.
I nodded, and walked to the bathroom.
After a few minutes I was asked to leave the bathroom because another patient was waiting to be seen.
Everything is a blur.
I'm now in the "grieving room" with my grandparents.
There was a woman in the room, on the other side of the desk. I know that we were in there for a while, and she spoke about a lot of things. But I can't remember what. I looked around the room at the cross stitched quotes about blessings and memories.
The next day I was in the car on the way home. My mum and dad were in the car and was going to meet us half way. I slept for the first 4 hours and suddenly needed to "push". I told my nan I needed a wee.
We stopped at the nearest petrol station and by this point I was covered in blood, it was all up my top, and stained through my pjamas.
My nan took me into the station and asked if they had a toilet, he said that there was a staff one out the back.
It was vile. It was dirty and small.
I miscarried my baby in that toilet by myself.
I held the baby in both hands. Perfectly formed. I had no idea what to do so I sat on the floor and wept.
I don't know how much time past. I came out of the station and got in the car.
About 2-3 hours of sleep later we were at the services that my mum was due to pick me up from.
She saw the blood and run to me and held me so close.
I don't remember much else.
It was so hard that my brain seems to have blocked out a lot of it.
Last year I found out I was pregnant in the autumn.
When I was 16 weeks pregnant with my son I started bleeding. I basically decided that I was "130% sure that I was having a miscarriage"
My partner (not the father of my first baby) told me not to be daft. We went to the hospital and waited for the scan.
It was a much different scenario to my first experience. We were sat in a small corridor with crappy plastic chairs and we're sat with about ten other people.
We waited for about an hour and a half.
I stared crying and the nurse took us to a private room to wait.
We were called in to the scanning room and the same thing.
Tissue in my pants and jelly on my belly.
There's a heartbeat. And the breath that I had been holding in since I started bleeding came out all at once.
It turns out I had placenta previa and had to be monitored closely throughout the rest of my pregnancy.
My boy was born four days late at 6lbs 4 by emergency c-section.
He didn't breathe for 4 minutes (the longest 4 minutes of my life). Then I heard a small cry and he was rushed off upstairs. (He had meconium trapped in his windpipe)
I didn't get to meet him until 5 hours later.
We had to stay on the neonatal unit for two weeks.
Since my miscarriage I have been able to travel, meet my gorgeous fiancé, complete my degree and finally have my little boy. He's 4 months now.
I miss my little baby every day. But I'm grateful for everything that has happened since.
I'm so much stronger. I wasn't ready to be a mum at 17.
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