I got married to my partner of 5 years in 2011, having a family was the next logical step but we decided not to try for the first 6 months or so to enjoy a little bit of married life first. You spend your 20's praying your not pregnant and 30's praying you are! Saying that it never really crossed my mind that we would have any problems. We fell pregnant after a few months of trying and I thought that was it, job done but it didn't last long and I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks a couple of days later while away on business staying at a luxury 5* minimalistic and very white hotel. I hadn't taken any sanitary wear with me as I didn't think I would need it again for quite a while so spent a very traumatic, painful and lonely few days away.
I came home to my husband feeing like a failure, perhaps it was my fault for flying. I saw the doctor when I got home who confirmed the miscarriage and that was my first insight into the scary statistics, It was all very matter of fact 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, wait a month and then try again was the advice.
So we brushed ourselves down and filed the experience away.
We kept trying which in itself becomes very stressful, the two week wait every month to see if we were pregnant, demanding action when I thought I was ovulating it all becomes a bit of an obsession. After about 6 months we were pregnant again, I was nervous as hell, checking for blood every time I went to the toilet, constantly squeezing my boobs to make sure they were still sore, hoping for morning sickness. It was a very long wait until our 12 week scan but as each week passed my confidence grew. I had never heard of a missed miscarriage but it was obvious as soon as the scan picture came up that something had gone wrong, there was just a tiny blob with no visible heartbeat, I was heartbroken.
The sonographer wasn't rude but was very matter of fact and we were ushered out and told to come back in 10 days to see if it had grown as we might have got our dates wrong. I knew 100% my dates were correct as the obsession with getting pregnant meant I had recorded everything but you still hold on to a tiny hope. It was horrible being in that scan centre surrounded by happy couples looking at their baby pictures.
10 days later it was smaller and so I was advised I would need an operation to remove it. I had to be signed off work but as I didn't want them to know I was trying for a baby it was all rather awkward. The doctors told us we were just unlucky these things happen, wait a month and take another roll of the dice was the advice given. I grieved a baby I had imagined for the last three months. It was a lonely time as we hadn't told family we were trying or about the first miscarriage we decided to keep it between us and wait until we could show them a successful scan picture one day.
So our third pregnancy came after another long 6 months, a year and a bit since our first pregnancy. We had reached the point where I was desperate for a baby and my husband didn't want to try any more if this one failed as it was too upsetting. This time I was a nervous wreck and repeated the blood, boobs check non stop again no morning sickness. I couldn't bare to wait 3 months so we paid for a private scan at 8 weeks and the same result the pregnancy did not look as it should for the gestation come back in 10 days in case you have the wrong dates. We had to have a few more scans and waits as the NHS wouldn't take the private clinics word for it but eventually had another operation which was unsuccessful as they left some of the baby inside so I had to have a third operation to remove what they left behind.
I woke in the recovery room in a cubicle next to a family with a newborn. The third miscarriage meant that if nothing else at least someone would pay us some attention and look into what was happening. We had a few blood tests but the advice was still just keep trying if you feel up to it. Luckily my sister advised me that a colleague at her work had been on a drug trial and maybe it was something I could try. I signed up to the promise trial a double blind randomised trial of progesterone. I didn't know if I was on the progesterone or a placebo but it felt good to be trying something different. As part of the trial I was offered a scan at 8 weeks and we saw our very first heart beat, I cried with relief. I was still terrified but the pregnancy continued and resulted in my beautiful daughter Evelyn she couldn't have been more wanted. I never had morning sickness! When we decided to try for a second baby we at least knew it was possible. I contacted the drug trial as it was now finished and found out that I had been on progesterone.
My doctor was able to prescribe it to me and as soon as I fell pregnant I took it. I paid privately for a scan at 8 weeks and was over the moon to see another heartbeat and pregnancy number 5 resulted in my gorgeous baby Girl Edith. It felt too easy second time round and I often wonder if it could have been that easily fixed sooner and without the heart break. I am so blessed to have my two little girls and my family is now very much complete but I will never forget our journey.
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