As I sat anxiously waiting in the bathroom, the second line appeared, bright pink and blindingly obvious. I stared.. trying to absorb that after 3 miscarriages this could be my happy ending.
We'd got engaged earlier in the year and were now in full swing of planning the wedding. I'd obviously just been so busy to not realise I hadn't has my period yet.
Only did the thought cross my mind as I walked through the supermarket and saw the home pregnancy tests, I picked one up and raced home, sure enough, there was my blinding positive. I was over the moon, and so was my soon to be husband.
Finally after so much heartache things were finally going our way. Until that evening, I noticed a spot of blood.
I panicked, raced over to the hospital but was quickly reassured that everything was fine and to come back in 2 weeks for another scan.
After what felt like the longest 2 weeks of my life we returned, sat anxiously in the waiting room for our name to be called. Then it did.
We followed the nurse to the room, on went the jelly and the nurse turned the screen around to show us our little baby with a heart beat. I broke down.. I couldn't believe it was finally happening.
We went home.. bouncing at the thought of having our perfect family and dream wedding.
We picked out the pram we wanted and all the nursery furniture. The only thing we had left to pick was the car seat. So off we went to look and decide which one we loved the most.
We entered the shop, faces beaming and then I felt it. The gush down my leg. I ran to the toilets and my worst fears were confirmed.
We sped over to the hospital where we were told there was no heart beat. I broke down. I felt like the whole world was crumbling down around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Until the realisation hit me.. the world was still moving, it was I who was crumbling, broken, in complete disbelief at how quickly it had all happened.
I went home, and just stared at my scan wondering what my life would've been like 6 months from now, and that's when reality hit me like a tun of bricks.. it was all just an idea in my head that was not my reality anymore.
I cried, I went numb, I cried some more. Until I realised, that although this was the worst day of my life, I'm not alone.
I'm not the only woman to go through this, although it felt like it at the time, there were other woman, and people I could connect with and meet who had gone through the same agonising pain that I had. Women who could talk back to me and understand all the things I said that my family members could not as they'd never experienced it.
It brought me some sort of peace and relief. Although it has been the hardest time of my life, I now have another angel looking down and guarding me. And my wedding to look forward too.
I know in time it will start to get easier. But only if we speak about miscarriage.
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