It never stops.

I can't even say I have good days and bad days, every day is a mixture of emotions, to coin a phrase "its like a roller coaster that I can't get off". I've never liked roller coasters.

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#misCOURAGE story, 09/02/2017, by Sarah Hudson

Right now, this moment, 11.18pm on a Wednesday night, is a bad moment. Sometimes I can feel it coming and try to do something to distract myself, other times it comes from nowhere and hits me like a bus and I sob my heart out until it physically hurts me.

I might never be pregnant again, have a baby, have our child, I might become pregnant again, I might miscarry again.

It never stops.

I can't even say I have good days and bad days, every day is a mixture of emotions, to coin a phrase "its like a roller coaster that I can't get off". I've never liked roller coasters.

We've now had 4 cycles of fertility treatment, become pregnant 4 times and miscarried 4 times.

We've been lucky enough to have the treatment on the nhs but that's no longer available to us. We've had all the tests done that they offer and apparently nothing is wrong with either of us. If that was true why does this keep happening?

You question everything, everyone, every decision made. Yourself. 

It never stops.

The last time I was pregnant we discussed all options....what would we do if it didn't work out. I said I didn't think I could go through another round of IVF. It drained me, physically and emotionally.

But you change your mind when your back in that situation and you still have no baby and friends and family are popping them out like theres no tomorrow.

So now, not only are contemplating more IVF but trying to figure out how on earth we're going to pay for it. 9 grand, give or take few hundred. How do we get that money? I used to be a teacher but gave it up as I just couldn't cope anymore so money is tight.

Now I'm thinking of going back but the thought of it petrifies me. Some days I can barely cope with putting clothes on and talking to people (some days I don't) its just another thing that whirrs around my brain.

How did my/our life end up like this? This isn't how it's supposed to be! 

It never stops.

But it will have to. Whether that's because of money, my state of mind or....and I'm just putting this out there, we might actually have a baby. And I guess that's why I keep going. I guess that's why we all keep going.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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