It was September 2012 when we found out we were expecting our much longed for second child. We were so happy to have finally got pregnant after 4 years of trying for a baby brother or sister for our then 4 year old son. We even tried IVF without success.
It was a long painful 4 years so when we got a positive pregnancy test we thought all our worries and stress were over. We were so happy! We even told our son that I was pregnant.
But sadly on November 26th at ten weeks pregnant I started to bleed lightly. My husband and I had gone on a date to see Kevin Bridges Live.
I sat in the car on the way there and all through the show with what felt exactly like mild lower back pain, the same as I usually experience at the beginning of a period. So, I was a little bit nervous that something wasn't right.
Before leaving the theatre I went to the toilet.
That's when my perfect world came crashing down. There was blood. I tried not to panic. I told my husband and we got in the car and drove home.
I was trying to tell myself everything would be ok and it didn't necessarily mean I'd miscarry but deep down I just knew it was the beginning of the end.
I didn't know what to do so we called the hospital and they told us to go home and let nature take its course.
I went to the bathroom at home and sat on the toilet and cried silently whilst my husband saw out our babysitter.
The bleeding continued. My husband hugged me and told me to try and rest but I couldn't. I ended up going back to the toilet and staying there for hours until I couldn't bare to be alone anymore.
At some point during the night my tiny precious baby fell out of me into the toilet. It was a feeling I will never forget but I will never quite be able to describe because the sadness that brought will stay with me forever.
At about 4am I woke my husband and told him I'd lost the baby. We held each other and cried, cried for each other, our son and the small life we had just lost.
The bleeding was still very heavy so I told my husband I needed thick sanitary pads. At about 5am he drove to a only 24hr shop and got me some.
I lay in bed trying not to cry too loudly as not to wake up our son. But wishing I could just scream and shout. I was exhausted and broken. I was in a state of shock and disbelief. It felt so utterly surreal that I was using sanitary towels because I was experiencing a miscarriage.
By 7am the bleeding was still so heavy that my husband took me to A&E. We were seen pretty quickly, luckily because by that point I was so faint and nearly passed out in the bathroom. I was taken great care of by the nurses.
For the first time in my married life I felt so helpless and needy and unbelievably sad that I had a strong desire for my mum to come and hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be just fine. But, I knew my mum would be equally devastated and everything wouldn't be just fine even with her there so I kept that desire to myself until much later.
I was a complete mess, I was in so much pain and sobbing. If it wasn't for my husband being there with me I felt as though the emotional pain could have just killed me.
All I kept saying to my husband is 'make them check'. I needed to know if what I think I saw during the night when I was alone on the toilet was our baby. I guess I just couldn't accept it yet that I'd had a miscarriage. So after much pleading they agreed to give me an ultra sound.
It was the worst thing I've ever seen.
A sonographer coldly told me there was nothing there, I wasn't pregnant. Simple as that. It was as if I had never been pregnant. I just couldn't believe it.
I didn't know what to do. We were offered counselling which never happened but before I left I had to have a procedure by a gynaecologist to remove any tissue that was left behind. She was a caring, gentle as possible doctor who I will never forget. It was painful, distressing and just made me even more upset.
I remember saying to the nurse who held my other hand throughout through teary eyes 'we have been trying for 4 years. It's not fair.'
When that was finally over the kind nurse who had been with us checked my notes and personal details when she got to my date of birth she stopped, looked at me and with sympathy and shared sadness said 'oh love, it's your birthday tomorrow isn't it?' It was.
I have ever felt so low on my birthday. I spent it at home with my husband and son and in the evening my brother and sister came over to visit. I was still in pain and just wanted to be alone but as it was my birthday I thought I better make some sort of effort mainly because I didn't want to upset our son.
The bleeding continued for a further 9 days. I couldn't go out for about 10 days. I just wanted to be at home. If it wasn't for my husband telling me it was going to be ok I don't know how I could have got through that tragic time.
I write this now not to upset anyone but because I firmly believe miscarriage should be talked about, to help heal, to support others through similar experiences and because a babies life whether it be 8 weeks gestation or 8 weeks old is just as important, especially to it's mother and father.
It needs to stop being a silent taboo subject that many face completely alone.
Time is a wonderful healer, but there's not a day that passes that I don't wish I could have held our much longed for and loved second baby who we didn't get a chance to name because at only 10 weeks pregnant it's sex wasn't yet confirmed so a name hadn't even really been properly discussed.
I have often felt guilty about that, like we should have just named it afterwards anyway. But the reality was that in my darkest hour I numbly flushed it away partly because I just couldn't cope with looking at the round mass of blood anymore, I didn't know what else to do, what other option was there? I fish it out the toilet bowl? and then what?
If miscarriage was more talked about and not such a taboo subject maybe I'd have thought differently that fateful night. Who knows.
Four years have passed and I share my story to help others to hopefully be able to come to terms with theirs. Miscarriage is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Sadly, it's very common which is why I feel so passionately about the work Tommy's does.
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