It happened again

We had to carry on with normality despite a broken heart as we had my stepdaughter with us and it was Christmas after all.


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#misCOURAGE story, 05/07/2017, by Belle 

So miscarriage number two happened. I started bleeding on Boxing Day after an amazing Christmas with my family - coincidentally I started miscarrying our first the day after a family BBQ for my birthday! Pregnancies and family occasions don't mix - for me anyway! We went to a&e where bloods were taken and we were told to go home and come back two days later when the EPU would be open.

We went home to wait the inevitable. 

I managed to be pregnant a little longer this time - 7.5 weeks compared to 6 with the first. However, this time was more traumatic as I passed the baby and saw it. Calling my partner in floods of tears I sat on the loo looking down at what would have been our alternative future. In the midst of grief, I threw it away. In a bin. Today this haunts me still although I have no idea what else we could have done with it. Should I have taken it to the hospital to get tested? Buried it? 

The visit to the EPU the following day confirmed all was gone, although horrifyingly not before the machine showed someone else's scan with their baby still alive when we walked in the room. Not exactly what you want to see when you have had a miscarriage. I had hoped against hope that I was carrying twins and one had decided to stay put but no, my womb was empty. 

We had to carry on with normality despite a broken heart as we had my stepdaughter with us and it was Christmas after all! 

It is now six months on and I am still finding it hard to move on. I have had to go through my due date for Baby 1 as well as thinking about the 12-week scan for Baby 2. The anniversary of losing baby 1 is approaching as well as the due date for Baby 2. I think once I have gone through all of this once, next year won't hopefully be as bad. 

My stepdaughter asks if she is having a brother or sister. How do you answer that question?

Never, maybe or I don't know. Because who does? No one. 

I am having counselling but not sure how much help that is having - I can't control pregnancy so I am having difficulty in making that leap of faith that the next one will be okay and won't end in a miscarriage as per the other two. However, given that both my pregnancies have ended in miscarriage, the leap seems too big at the moment. 

We are trying to ensure that we live in the moment and enjoy our life as this is our family and future whatever happens.


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