May 12th 2015 is a day I will never forget. I was around 11-12 weeks pregnant and a week away from the first scan.
I remember rushing around getting my 2 year old son and myself ready for the day, when I started to get cramps and discovered a slight bleed.
Even now I can't describe the shock that I felt but deep down I knew I had lost my baby.
From then on it was a waiting game. My husband came home and my GP could not say for definite if I was miscarrying our baby and was booked in for a scan on the following day.
The bleeding had stopped but I was still getting cramps but can remember hoping against hope that I was not losing our baby.
Around 9pm that evening I had the urge to go for a bath and I very sadly miscarried our baby in the bath.
I can remember being very calm but in all honesty it felt like everything had gone into slow motion.
The bleeding was incredibly heavy and there was blood everywhere and I was in a lot of pain.
I ended up being admitted to A&E and I remember a very lovely student nurse holding my hand and told me to cry as much as I liked.
I couldn't, it didn't seem real, like it was not happening to me.
The following morning I was sitting on the ward trying to get my head round everything. In the cubicle across from me, they were talking about the imminent arrival of a new baby and that's when it hit me, that there would be no new baby and I can remember sobbing my heart out, it had finally hit me that I had lost my baby, that I would never get too hold the baby I had lost in my arms and tell my baby how much I loved them and the pain of that was something I had never experienced before or since.
When I came home, everything was a blur, the best way I can describe it, is to say that I was in a fog and was not thinking straight for a while and would find myself crying quite a lot.
Eventually, the fog lifted and I started to get back to normality again but it took time and a lot of people did not understand that.
I did have some very insensitive comments said to me such as "what did you expect, you were in the early stages?/ I don't think you were physically or mentally ready for the pregnancy". Comments that did not need to be said and served no purpose but caused great hurt.
I also had wonderful friends that helped me through and let me say exactly how I was feeling and I will always be eternally grateful to them for their support.
My experience left me with a strong realisation that we need to be more open about miscarriage and talk more openly about our losses. Miscarriage should not be a taboo subject.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer