#misCOURAGE 22/08/17 by Kim
Our first pregnancy we were so excited we told everyone after 10 weeks, we just couldn't wait any longer.
My first scan was booked for 13 weeks and we were counting down. I was at work at 12 weeks pregnant and I went to the toilet and found blood, instantly my heart sank, I didn't know what to do, I phoned my GP, she tried to reassure me that because there was no pain it was probably OK but I needed to go to hospital for a check over, I got a taxi to hospital and my husband met me there, we waited still with the hope that all would be OK, this was to be the last time we would ever have any optimism in a pregnancy again.
We had a scan and after a while we were told the worse words "no heartbeat found" and after a bit we found out that our baby had actually died around 8 weeks and not progressed, I had had a missed miscarriage and I had to be booked in for a weeks time and if my baby still hadn't left me I would need an operation.
So the next week was spent knowing my baby was gone but I still had to carry them, I didn't have anymore bleeding after this and had to have a full general anaesthetic (d and c) to remove my baby.
After this we lost a further 3 babies very early at around 6 weeks, all were lost at home.
At the time we didn't tell many people about our pregnancies because it was too hard to then tell them we were no longer pregnant. I don't remember what it is like to go to the toilet without pure dread every time I wipe, scared of what I may see. I could see the anxiety on my husband's face every time I came back from the toilet, worried what I would say. After our 4 miscarriages we got pregnant again and again we told no one until we had the first scan at 15 weeks (we had earlier scans but never told anyone) even then we only told family, I had multiple bleeds in this pregnancy and there was no optimism when we were waiting for scans, one time I had to wait all weekend for an appointment and we just assumed we had lost it. Our fifth pregnancy turned out to be our rainbow baby but we still never experienced that excitement in the pregnancy again, even after 12 weeks every twinge or pain was very scary for us.
Once our rainbow got older we decided to try again, we both felt very anxious about starting again thinking we would have to go through lost again. We got pregnant and even after a healthy baby we were anxious every time I went to the toilet, every stomach pain worried us.
Because of my duties at work (safety) I needed to tell work very early, I still waited until I was 8 weeks but the day I told work was also the same day I started to bleed, I couldn't stop crying thinking it was all starting again but I went to he hospital and we had happy news, we still didn't tell anyone until we were about 16 weeks and we never really got the true excitement from our pregnancies.
Luckily my sixth pregnancy was also a survivor and went full term to a healthy baby, so it can end happily as I now have two healthy gorgeous boys.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer