My name is Alli and I had a miscarriage in 2015. It was a very early miscarriage, approx 8-9 weeks. Initially I thought I was ok, but slowly my whole world turn inside out.
My then-fiance (now husband) wasn't very supportive, not through not wanting to be, but because he just didn't know what to do/say.
His family were not very nice to me at the time, so I was struggling with the internal resentment I had towards them, as I felt the stress they had caused me was the real reason I lost my baby.
My mum had lost 5 through miscarriage before me, then still born twins... and this was never anything I thought about until it happened to me.
The jealousy and resentment I had towards ANYONE who was pregnant was tearing me up inside, as I wanted to be happy for friends etc., but I couldn't bare being around them. I would cry almost every day and night.
It took me about a year to properly be able to talk about it and start to move on, which was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
We got married a couple of months ago and have just decided, after much discussion, to try again... but I have a deep and unwavering fear that this is going to happen to me again. I cannot get it out of my head.
That was the reason for going back onto contraception after my miscarriage, as I was thinking awful things and didn't want to get pregnant whilst in that mindset... so a year later and nothing has really changed, but I think I'm ready to try again... it's now been about 4 months, with (currently) no positive result.
I don't know if I'm sad because I haven't conceived yet, or because it's bringing up such awful memories for me.
I never thought I would get to this point again, which is a big step and I should be pleased. But why aren't I? Why am I so petrified?
I don't think this will change until I hold a baby in my arms, but I genuinely hope that this fear in and of itself isn't going to stop me from being able to have a baby.
I wish it was simpler and easier, but they do say 'nothing worth having comes easily', I suppose!
I hope this helps at least one person who is going through what I am... I don't want to feel so isolated and scared any more, but I am still trying to work out how to get better myself.
Love to you all going through this, or similar... let's hope we can work together to stop this happening so often!
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