We had been trying for our first baby for a few months and we were so happy when we got pregnant.
Things were going well, we were getting excited already thinking about nursery decoration, names and trying to figure out what some of the gadgets on the baby market actually do!
I had bought a couple of baby magazines so that I could start reading about pregnancy, what to expect, other peoples advice but mainly out of excitement.
I had my booking appointment with the midwife and was happy to have my Bounty pack, it somehow made the pregnancy seem more real.
That afternoon I noticed a spot of blood. I rang the doctors who told me not to worry as it was such a small amount of blood. Hard not to worry but I tried not to, I tried to stay so positive.
Two days later I woke up and I was bleeding heavier and with clots so I went to A&E. I was admitted to the gynae ward who checked me out and arranged a scan for later in the week. The bleeding continued but I tried to remain positive but I knew that things weren't great as the bleeding continued.
The scan showed that the baby's sac was about 5-6 weeks, but I was 10-11 weeks, a blood test later confirmed that my pregnancy hormone had dropped, so I was miscarrying.
I opted to have a managed miscarriage the following week. The hospital were brilliant and very supportive with 2 nurses sharing their own experience of miscarriage with me.
Up until this point I didn't realise that 1 in 4 pregnancies ended in miscarriage.
I left the hospital the following day and it was such a strange feeling, I had briefly had my baby inside me and now it had gone. I had to return to hospital 2 weeks later as I started bleeding heavily again due to retained tissue, this again needed an over night stay.
The hardest thing is that the minute we found out we were pregnant, we had a baby and we were so very excited and suddenly all that had gone.
We found it difficult too as we didn't a scan picture or anything, just an estimated due date which I know that that date will forever be in my mind and I will also do something special on that day.
I initially couldn't talk to anyone other than my partner but that has got easier. I found some people didn't know what to say to us so they didn't even acknowledge my miscarriage, which for me made it harder.
My partner was brilliant throughout but I was worried about him as he was being so strong for me. I think some people thought of it as me being ill rather than that we had suffered a loss, so they didn't give my partner as much thought as they did me.
We're now 6 weeks down the line, I'm still emotional about the miscarriage and I think that I will be for some time. However, it has got easier to accept what has happened in that time and I know that whilst I will never forget my baby, and I don't want to, it will continue to get easier.
I wear a necklace that my partner bought me which had 2 pendants on it, a heart and a flower, I've bought a new pendant to go on it which for me is a reminder of our baby and gives me comfort.
The hardest thing that I've ever been through, one that we take me some time to come to terms with but will always be with me.
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