Sitting in the waiting room for our 12 week scan my partner and I started talking baby names. We were so excited. A handful of people knew, we were busting to tell everyone but had decided to wait til after the scan.
I had no idea what devastating news was waiting for us. "I'm sorry there's no heart beat" was something I was not ready to hear.
I thought I was 12 weeks but in fact my baby had died at 7 weeks. Some people don't class it as a baby that early on, it's a featus, but not in my eyes, it was my baby.It had been since week 4 when I found out I was pregnant.
The next few days were hard. Trying to juggle work (I decided not to tell them), friends and people in general when inside my whole world had just been turned upside down.
My body was still carrying my baby so it was classed as a missed miscarriage. I was admitted to hospital to talk through the options, we opted for medical management. I was in for a few hours, sat waiting, mulling over what the hell had happened and what I had done wrong.
I was given the drugs and sent home to miscarry at home. It was horrendous.
Although the midwives were great they didn't tell me the full extent of what I would have to go through. My partner and I went home and I tried to make myself as comfy as possible. I miscarried my baby that night.
The next day my partner went away to work abroad for just over 4 weeks. We decided that he should still go, I was over the worst of it and there was nothing really he could do for me if he stayed.
My mum moved in with me for a week, as my partner left behind his 10 year old daughter. I thought there was nothing he could do for me but with loosing the baby I felt a massive void and emptiness.
I went through days of feeling ok, then days where I felt that I couldn't carry on. I just felt so pointless, worthless and that I'd failed. No matter how many people told me 'everything happens for a reason' and 'it's not my fault', it didn't help and I was sick of hearing it.
I felt so low, didn't want to see anyone and even had suicidal thoughts, I felt that my world had ended. No matter what any of my friends and family said it didn't help.
I took comfort from total strangers, reading their stories of miscarriage, knowing that I wasn't alone in how I was feeling. It's made me realise how precious life is and how many things can go wrong.
Every period that came, I cried, another reminder that I wasn't pregnant.
I fell pregnant again 2 months later, we couldn't believe it. We didn't want to get excited.
We decided to opt for a private scan as our 12 week scan wasn't until after Christmas. I was so scared going for the scan, not wanting to hear those words again. But we didn't, we found out we were expecting twins! A total shock to us both but I now have my beautiful rainbow babies.
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