Yesterday I found out that my baby isn't going to make it. We're devastated, confused & a little angry too. He (I just presume babies are he's because I have a little boy) is too teeny, but his little heart still flickers. He's not gone yet, but he will be.
But this is only half of my story... Yesterday I found out that my baby is doing beautifully. We're grateful. He's gained an extra 4 days in size since we last saw him & his heart beats perfectly. I'm pregnant with twins, but I'll never get to hold 2 babies.
Earlier this year we suffered with a missed miscarriage that tested & pushed us to our limits. We'd been trying for a baby for 7 months with no sign of those 2 lines.
We then had to put our quest on hold because of our impending wedding. No one wants to be pushing whilst they say 'I do'!
So on our second cycle of actively trying to avoid pregnancy, what happens?? We fall pregnant. Obviously! What else do you expect when you're trying not to have a baby? We were ecstatic & decided to postpone the wedding. This was meant to be.
Babies come when they want to & what a gift this was.
But it actually wasn't meant to be. This wasn't our surprise baby. It was just a strange test that we didn't need. We endured rescans filled with worry & the weakest of hope. My body kept me pregnant for a whole 10 weeks, without any sign of life.
Christmas passed & I of course refused wine & pate as a pregnant woman should, but it was a farce. It stung & it felt so cruel & pointless.
We decided to focus on our wedding after our loss & put babies out of the picture until closer to the time. That's when we cut to about the time of our honeymoon & all our hopes & dreams start to come true. Of course we don't even know it at that point!
Finding out we had made twins was one of the most petrifying, overwhelming & joyous moments of my life. I could see that my new husband felt pride. Pride & elation & excitement. He was going to make the best twin dad.
We had been given back what we lost at the start of the year, plus 1. It made everything feel balanced & with reason.
We deserved this & we were going to work our backsides off to make it a success. Of course we were scared! 2 babies!!! That's 100% more than 1 baby! But they were our 2 babies & we saw their entire beings flicker like fireflies. Healthy little hearts.
I researched breastfeeding for 2, double prams, giving birth to 2, increased my vitamins, got booked in with a specialist consultant. We fell in love with our double trouble.
I felt special. Part of a specialist club that I never even knew I wanted to be part of. But now that's gone.
I feel guilty about the way I feel right now. I'm worried I can't bond with my pregnancy anymore. What if loss overshadows the entire pregnancy & birth, maybe even birthdays?
I'm also terrified that we'll lose our remaining baby. Could I cope with that? What about the brand new marriage that this is all weighing down on, what if it breaks us?
I actually feel how I did during the weeks waiting to confirm my missed miscarriage. It feels like it's not real anymore. I also feel like I'm a disappointment to my husband. Like I've let him down & ruined his dreams. He'd always loved the idea of twins.
I'm focusing on the stupidest of things, like how we can't announce our pregnancy how we'd wanted to. Maybe we won't at all now.
And most bizarre of all, I feel trapped in to never having another baby again, because my risk of conceiving twins is now increased. We could cope with 3 kids but not 4.
I'm terrified of how I'll react if someone tells me 'at least you have 1 baby left'. What if when I start to show, someone says to me 'are you sure there aren't 2 in there?'
I've never realised the danger before of making twin comments - you just don't know what's going on with someone's pregnancy.
Most of all, I'm really, really struggling to understand how you can have such loss & pain, but also hope for what still can be.
Loss isn't kind, loss isn't fair or just. Loss has no reason or pattern. Loss is personal & life changing, no matter the circumstance, no matter what's left.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer