I'm ashamed, lonely and so disappointed in myself

Why give me the opportunity to get pregnant when they will end up being taken from me. It's a hurt that doesn't go away and not many understand.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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October 2016

I always wanted a baby. If I was blessed to have one, it would be absolutely great.

In the back of my mind though, I always thought something in my life may stop it.

I believe I have a good enough body for a baby to bake in. I mean over the years health wise, some things have escalated, but my doctor said you can be a mommy.

I have been pregnant three times.

My first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy. I was as far as five months and didn't know. So I had to have one of my tubes and my baby was removed from me. A part of me was gone forever that day in April 2001.

So years past and in between time I tried but no baby. So I gave up.

And in March of 2011 I was blessed to be pregnant again.

But how I found out was I had a slip and fall on my way to work. I went to the ER and they ran tests. I was bed ridden for the slip and fall injury and my new pregnancy. I was scared and extremely excited. But two weeks later miscarried.

Again a special part of me was taken away and I don't know why.

By this time I have completely given up, because I don't want to feel this pain again. So by now I'm not even trying and given up.

This year has been up and down for me, but in July I felt different. I felt I was pregnant. And I have never felt that way in my last two pregnancies. So to acknowledge this baby being there, it had to be special. And this one was going to make it.

I tried to rest and taking it easy, eating right and focusing on my new blessing.

I finally saw my baby and the heartbeat in September from the sonogram. I could not be any more happier. Then this month, October came in and will never be the same for me.

It was time for another sonogram and check up. So I go to the doctor and she examines me and my blood sugar levels was elevated so I was admitted to labor and delivery to monitor it. Time for sonogram.

The tech was too quiet while doing the exam. So I started to panic and ask what is wrong and she wouldn't say. She left and said I'll be back.

Came back with her supervisor and he checked and checked. I felt my heart drop as soon as he said I see everything and it's in its place but I do not see the baby heartbeat.

On October 5th 2016 it came to me that this was another life that I could not protect and grow and it was being taken from me again.

My heart aches, my head aches, I'm ashamed, lonely and so disappointed in myself.

On October 7th 2016 I had to have a D and C surgery done to fully take my baby from me. I feel like why give me the opportunity to get pregnant when they will end up being taken from me. It's a hurt that doesn't go away and not many understand.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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