I'm 3 weeks on from the operation now and emotionally still very shaky

I find the loss of the future we had begun to imagine so hard to deal with.

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by Anna

May 2016

After taking 3 1/2 years, two miscarriages and a failed IVF to conceive our daughter, my husband and I were astounded and delighted when I fell pregnant in February of this year on our second month of trying. I'm naturally nervous about pregnancy because of our fertility troubles so went for an early scan when I was 7+3. The scan went brilliantly, my dates were spot on and we saw a beautiful little bean with a strong heartbeat.

As my sickness worsened I told myself that it was a sign of a strong pregnancy and even though I was being sick really frequently I reminded myself how lucky I was to be in this position. At around week 9 I noticed my symptoms had subsided a little bit. I told myself initially this was normal but when I then started to have awful dreams in which I was losing my baby I realised that I needed to have another scan to allay my fears.

I booked a private scan for 10+1. Looking back now I knew immediately something was wrong at that scan from the second the sonographer put the probe on my stomach. She eventually had to do an internal scan which I hadn't needed at my earlier scan. I saw her measure the baby and asked her whether there was a heartbeat.

She didn't answer me but lit the screen up with a thermal image.

I saw the heat of the placenta but my baby's body remained black. Any doubt I had disappeared at that moment, my baby had died. I don't remember the sonographers exact words, only remember her saying 'I'm so sorry'. My baby had died at 8+1 - 5 days after I had had my last scan and 5 days after we had seen that perfect heartbeat.

I can't describe the heartache. The next day I went to the EPU. They scanned me again and confirmed that I had lost my baby. They gave me my options and I decided I would have an ERPC. I couldn't face the idea of seeing anything and so a natural or a medicinally managed approach wasn't right for me. I had the ERPC 3 days later. 

I'm 3 weeks on from the operation now and emotionally still very shaky. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be capable of happiness again. I find the loss of the future we had begun to imagine so hard to deal with. I'm also terrified that was my last chance and I won't fall pregnant again. 

I know I am so lucky to have my daughter. I think had we tried for a second and I had never fallen pregnant I would have found that easier to deal with than falling pregnant and losing the baby. I feel a desperation now to replace what we have lost. 

I can't do justice in describing how heartbreaking a miscarriage is. Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me to the point I can't breathe. Sometimes I'm OK and have odd moments of positivity about the future. I know time will help but I will never forget this little life that never was.

 

 

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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