After taking 3 1/2 years, two miscarriages and a failed IVF to conceive our daughter, my husband and I were astounded and delighted when I fell pregnant in February of this year on our second month of trying. I'm naturally nervous about pregnancy because of our fertility troubles so went for an early scan when I was 7+3. The scan went brilliantly, my dates were spot on and we saw a beautiful little bean with a strong heartbeat.
As my sickness worsened I told myself that it was a sign of a strong pregnancy and even though I was being sick really frequently I reminded myself how lucky I was to be in this position. At around week 9 I noticed my symptoms had subsided a little bit. I told myself initially this was normal but when I then started to have awful dreams in which I was losing my baby I realised that I needed to have another scan to allay my fears.
I booked a private scan for 10+1. Looking back now I knew immediately something was wrong at that scan from the second the sonographer put the probe on my stomach. She eventually had to do an internal scan which I hadn't needed at my earlier scan. I saw her measure the baby and asked her whether there was a heartbeat.
She didn't answer me but lit the screen up with a thermal image.
I saw the heat of the placenta but my baby's body remained black. Any doubt I had disappeared at that moment, my baby had died. I don't remember the sonographers exact words, only remember her saying 'I'm so sorry'. My baby had died at 8+1 - 5 days after I had had my last scan and 5 days after we had seen that perfect heartbeat.
I can't describe the heartache. The next day I went to the EPU. They scanned me again and confirmed that I had lost my baby. They gave me my options and I decided I would have an ERPC. I couldn't face the idea of seeing anything and so a natural or a medicinally managed approach wasn't right for me. I had the ERPC 3 days later.
I'm 3 weeks on from the operation now and emotionally still very shaky. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be capable of happiness again. I find the loss of the future we had begun to imagine so hard to deal with. I'm also terrified that was my last chance and I won't fall pregnant again.
I know I am so lucky to have my daughter. I think had we tried for a second and I had never fallen pregnant I would have found that easier to deal with than falling pregnant and losing the baby. I feel a desperation now to replace what we have lost.
I can't do justice in describing how heartbreaking a miscarriage is. Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me to the point I can't breathe. Sometimes I'm OK and have odd moments of positivity about the future. I know time will help but I will never forget this little life that never was.
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