If only...

#misCOURAGE story, 16/05/2017, by Alyssa

I was at work one day and I saw the cutest little 3 month old baby. While I was working I thought to myself "I should have started my period last week"! To me that's late actually, I'm always regular and I even write it in my calendar every time I start my period.

After work I went to the nearest drug store by my house and I bought 2 pregnancy tests. I took these pregnancy tests and the first one had 2 double lines.

I thought I'd done something wrong, "maybe I was holding the stick at an upwards angle".

After taking the second test it had the same 2 double lines. It was bit of a shock because I wasn't planning on getting pregnant. My boyfriend was pretty surprised as well but a bit more excited than I was.

I was already 5 weeks pregnant and around 9 weeks is when I had my first ultrasound. I was very excited, I couldn't even sleep that night before.

As I was laying down she had put the warm gel on my stomach and it only took me about a minute to realize something was wrong.

The sonographer was also quiet and told me that my doctor would call me for my results.

I had no idea what that had meant and as she was walking me out the tears had fallen little by little. I suddenly felt this empty feeling inside my stomach, my whole body got very warm and I just knew. 

The next day I got a call from my OB (I did not want to answer), I picked up and as soon as she said "Alyssa, I am so sorry to tell you this over the phone" I already knew it was bad news. 

I feel like as soon as I got excited for this baby that excitement was taken away from me in an instant.

Telling myself "If only I had found out sooner I would have been taking my prenatal pills and taking care of myself better".

"If only I have had you in my arms right now what my life would have been like".

"If only i had been that 3 instead of that 1 in 4"..

If only...