I was booked in for my 12 week scan the following week and was really starting to feel excited about my future as a mother of 4. I already had 5 year twins and a 3 year old so this would be our last child.
On the Saturday I noticed some light blood but didnt think much of it. By evening I went to the out of hours doctors where I was sent to the specialist ward for an examination. The doctor at the time thought my baby was okay and I was sent home.
Loads of women bleed during pregnancy, I remember rubbing my tummy on the way out and saying thank you out loud to myself that everything was okay.
Sunday came followed by more bleeding but no pain. It was around 3pm the abdominal pains started, just like full term labour the contractions started as a mild pain and got worse and worse.
Looking back I honestly didn't know I was having contractions, I knew they felt the same but I didn't know this is what miscarriage felt like. I'd never spoken to anyone who had explained their painful experience to me.
By 3am in the morning I was crying out in pain sitting on the toilet waiting for the ambulance to arrive. The pain was so strong and I was losing so much blood. I could never of got myself to hospital.
My daughter woke up due to the sound of my crying, I will never forget her little face so worried as she watched her mum completely losing it.
My husband put her in our bed and tried to calm our 3 year old who always woke up.
The paramedics were very kind when they arrived, as soon as they saw me I was offered gas and air. At first I thought 'why?' then the pain kicked in again and I breathed it in deep and hard.
I was losing my baby. I knew it but I couldn't believe it.
It was only a short drive to the hospital and I remember thinking how bright the lights were in the ambulance, I hadn't been in one before.
I spent the first few hours in A&E in horrific pain. My husband arrived a few hours later after my mum had come to ours to look after the kids. It shocked me how broken he was, he's not one to show emotion but there he was in tears. It was just so sad.
The doctor told me it was very likely I had miscarried but would need a scan to confirm. I was moved to a ward later that day and waited for my scan.
The contractions had stopped but I was now left feeling numb, alone and broken.
The scan confirmed my nightmare that there was no heartbeat. My baby had died at 8-9 weeks.
I was then faced with the news that I had hadn't fully passed the baby and would need to decide if I waited to pass the baby over the next few weeks or go to theatre. The thought of more physical pain was unbearable so I decided to go to theatre. I had the operation late that night and was allowed home the next day.
The hours, days and months that followed have been full of so many emotions that have pushed me to my limits.
I've never felt grief like this before, it's a longing for a future I will never have and a child I will never hold or kiss. The little brother or sister my children will grow up without.
I think of my baby everyday and know I will never feel fully complete as I've lost part of me. It's so sad to think how many women must feel like this and no one talks about it.
The miscarriage has affected me more than I ever thought possible and I've been left coping with anxiety. I can't help think how big my bump would be now and what I'd be doing.
I watch the pregnant mums in the school playground and think how that should be me. I feel others think I should be over the miscarriage by now so I'm left putting on a brave face,
I will never get over it because 'it' was my child.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer