After my second cycle I fell pregnant. The shock at how quickly it had happened was overwhelming even though we had planned to get pregnant. I called my partner as soon as I found out and it was the least we had ever said to each other, but we were happy.
I arranged an appointment with my doctor, had my dates calculated, and I was just 4 weeks. I met my midwife for the first time a few weeks later, and although everything was so daunting for the both of us we were looking forward to the future and our little extending family.
My pregnancy was text book, I didn't have any terrible pain, and not a spot of blood to worry about. My morning sickness was intense but nothing out of the norm.
We'd had our letter through the post for our 12 week dating scan which was displayed proudly on the notice board.
On the day of the scan we were both extremely nervous but happy that we'd reached this milestone.
I, ever the pessimist had forever thought something was bound to go wrong, but today I started to let myself release some of those fears, I had no reason not to.
We were called into the ultrasound room. They did the usual mound of jelly on my belly and the lady started to have a poke around.
My heart was beating so fast and although she took what seemed like an eternity to say anything I thought nothing of it. She then said something which will never leave my mind, 'unfortunately I can't find a heartbeat'.
My partner sighed and grabbed hold of my hand. I was emotionless, I wanted to cry so much but my brain just refused to accept what had been said, I couldn't do or say anything.
As she wrote some notes I peered my head round at the screen, there was something there but I couldn't make out what it was, I could see my baby's head but not much else. The lady suggested that our beautiful baby's heart had stopped beating at around 9 weeks, but my body still chose to nurture its tiny body.
As soon as we left the room I still couldn't cry, I just wanted to get out of that horrible hospital as quickly as possible. My partner grabbed my arm and hugged me, as the tears started to fall all I could say was 'I'm sorry'. I know how stupid a thing that was to say but at the time I felt like I'd let everyone down, that I was useless and that in some way it was all my fault.
We stood in the hospital corridor and just held each other as if it was a scene from some drama series on TV.
The next morning I had a sympathetic voice on the phone asking me to come back to discuss my 'options'. I had 3, none of which I particularly wanted to go through, I just wanted my baby. I shouldn't have even been there discussing this with someone, I should have been at home telling my family & friends the good news. Anger started to replace my shock and sadness, it wasn't fair that it was happening to me.
Out of the 3 options, let nature run its course, take some drugs to kick start the process, or surgery. I chose surgery. It was bad enough I'd lost my baby without having to go through the loss again physically.
The procedure was quick and easy and although I thought I would be sad my baby was no longer inside me, when I woke up I felt nothing but relief that the whole ordeal was over.
Soon after I had recovered physically, the emotional pain started to kick in big time. I chose not to search the internet for the answer why had this happened. Instead I grew ever more angry with the world, why me, what had i done wrong, was it me to blame or was it my partner?? Trying to reason with myself that it must have been the fact I'd had a few beers before I got pregnant, or that we hadn't been pacing ourselves right, that perhaps sex should have been more regimented rather than just out of love for one another.
Being an only child I'd had several moments throughout my life where I'd felt alone, but I'd never in my whole life felt so alone as I did now. Even though all the doctors and nurses stressed to me how common it was I genuinely felt like the only person in the world it was happening to or ever had happened to.
Why did no one talk about this? Why is it such 'taboo' that it means all these other women going through the same thing have to suffer in silence too, because no one wants to talk about it in fear of upsetting someone?
The days and weeks went by in a blur but somehow we found the strength to carry on with our plan of starting a family.
A year later to the month when we said goodbye to our baby, we welcomed a healthy baby boy. Happiness has replaced a lot of the emotions I felt but there's not a day goes by my mind doesn't wonder to the 'what ifs'. I'll never ever forget the little one who grew inside me, even if it was for a short while and they will always have a piece of my heart.
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