Getting told I had rheumatoid arthritis was at the time the worst thing to be told. I had a very active husband and son, how was I meant to do everything that they did?, Who was going to suffer more, me or Oliver? Would I still be able to be the mum that I was?
There's medication that can help BUT it can effect fertility so a decision needed to be made, one more baby or not. Happily me and my lovely husband decided to have one more. After trying for 2 months I got that lovely positive result and we were absolutely over the moon, we couldn't wait to start planning things and couldn't wait to tell our son. We told a couple of people, mainly parents and they were as excited as us. 2 weeks we carried on in pure pregnancy bliss until one Tuesday morning I woke up to blood, I knew then that this was a miscarriage, I walked to my mums work and broke down.I got a doctor's appointment only to be told I couldn't have a scan till I was 6 weeks pregnant.
That was 1 week away, one long week of hoping that the baby was still there.
The day came and I had to wait in the waiting room with all the other expectant mothers to go in and have a scan. I went in and after having an internal scan I was told that the baby had gone, I was led to a room by the side to wait and cry. My husband was amazing through it all and I'm incredibly grateful for that. After sitting in that room for what felt like hours I then had to walk back through the waiting room, I knew every mother in there knew what had happened. I was devastated but I had to carry on. The nurse told us to try again as soon as we could as ironically enough your more fertile after a miscarriage then ever. So we did and again not long after another positive test, I felt so lucky to be pregnant again after such a short time although nervous I put my nerves to the back of my mind and enjoyed it.
Once again we told close friends and immediate family and they were once again excited. Then just as I felt a little bit safe there was more blood, the pain physically and mentally was unbearable. This time it was daily blood tests and daily phone calls telling me my hormone level was dropping, it dragged on for a week before I was given the definite answer. This one killed me, I wondered what was wrong with me, I was young, healthy, I didn't smoke, I barely drank alcohol. Why me? Anyone that got pregnant made me jealous, why them over me? I turned into a horrible person to be with, how my husband dealt with me and his feelings i'll never know but he stayed strong for the both of us. I was convinced there was something wrong with me,friends would assume there was something wrong and people didn't mind asking me either.
The worst thing we heard was, at least you know you can get pregnant, that didn't help us at all, I felt wrong to feel upset for the babies we lost. One friend even said they didn't class them as loosing babies as this person didn't class them as babies yet. We then got referred to a doctor to see why we had the miscarriages, it was then we found out I was pregnant with the 3rd baby. It was then my obsession started, every day I'd do a pregnancy test and every hour I went to the toilet to see if there was any blood. I went for again daily blood tests to see if my hormone level was rising or dropping and every day the phone call was good news. I got booked in for a 6 week scan which was the scariest but most wonderful moment, when I saw that tiny heartbeat on the screen the relief was amazing.
I was still just as worried after that though, anything that felt wrong or different from my last pregnancy worried me. It came to 12 weeks and my little baby was still there then 20 weeks we found out we were having another boy, I was over the moon. We had a lot of problems and was in hospital for a lot of the time. SPD was the worst but I was just so happy to be still pregnant. At 38 weeks I was induced and after a long 18 hour labour, my beautiful Max was born. I couldn't be more proud of the family I have and I couldn't be more grateful for what I have. I feel incredible lucky. I spent a few weeks a bit down and very possessive over Max as I felt guilt for been happy when I lost 2 babies but I'm OK now. I will never have another baby as my arthritis treatment starts but after everything that happened I'm more then happy to have what I have.
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