The first time I got a positive test my husband and I were delighted and spent try next 10 weeks pretty much talking about nothing else. I had a bit of sickness and nausea but that passed at 8 weeks which I felt quite smug about and then before we knew it 12 weeks had come and gone so off we went to buy things for our little one assuming we'd got to the "safe" mark. Literally the afternoon we bought the pram I had a bit of a show but no pain or anything else so midwife wasn't concerned. Then 5 days after that the bleeding started. I was rushed to hospital and put straight on a drip while they readied me for a D&C.
I woke up pregnant and happy and within a matter of hours I was back home feeling like my heart had been ripped out.
Thankfully when we were ready to try again I got pregnant within a few months. This time the sickness and nausea continued to about 13 weeks and in July 2005 we had our first rainbow baby, Adam, who was perfect!
Four years later we decided it was time for baby number 2 and again got caught quickly the nausea returned and everything was seemingly fine then at 8 weeks once again the sickness stopped, I was no longer tired and this time I wasn't smug about it I was terrified. I willed it to return but it never did and deep down I knew why. We were due to have a scan at 11 weeks so for 3 weeks I hoped and prayed I was wrong and our baby was fine. I didnt want to worry my husband and I think by telling him. I was going to have to find out for sure so I kept it to myself.
When the sonographer told us there was no heartbeat and it looked like our baby had died several weeks earlier I knew exactly when it was and once again I was booked in for a D&C. We were extremely lucky to fall pregnant again quickly and another perfect little boy Ethan arrived 10 months after that awful experience. Our boys are now 10 and 5 and I still think about the ones we lost (we went on to have our 3rd son in February this year without any further miscarriages). I wonder if they were boys too, what they would have looked like and what kind of personalities they'd have but there's not many people who I'd ever talk about this with.
A lot of people, including family, never mentioned what we'd been through it was almost like it had never happened. Those that did offer their condolences often said things like "Better now than later." Or "It's nature's way."
It seemed only those who'd been through it understood that early pregnancy loss or not we'd still lost our child, a child that was loved before he or she was even conceived and a child that we were heartbroken to lose.
Nothing prepares you for it but when it does. not being able to talk about it doesn't make it go away!
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