#misCOURAGE story, 05/07/2017, by Fay
I miscarried my first pregnancy at one day under 11wks. I was home alone when it started as my husband was at work and I was sent an ambulance. It was truly an event that is forever etched into my memory, I will never ever forget every step of that experience, the utter devastation nor the complete gut wrenching feelings of loss and loneliness despite the best efforts of my huband, friends and family.
Three months later I fell pregnant again. The pure excitement I had over my first pregnancy isn't there but only a glimmer of hope, daring not to breathe in case something goes wrong or its too good to be true. I badly fell over and went for an emergency scan to put my mind at ease. The faces of the consultants were added to the list of memories I'll never forget when they found my 7wk pregnancy to be ectopic. I hardly any time to call my husband and mum to update them before I was taken in to theatre for an emergency laparoscopy.
I am now having to recover from surgery so I have something to concentrate on. I know my body will survive even though I am no longer complete. My body has let me down again, I feel like my body a dud, useless, I feel that I am doomed to be baron and that people will judge me. I feel hesitant to try again to put myself and my husband through more weeks and months of scared excitement to then have the scaredness justified and our lives fall down around our feet over and over again. How many times can we endure the pain and sacrifice? How long will it take for my useless body to work? When will I be told that I will never be able to achieve my life's dream? The forever hopeful bit of me is still going to persevere, still marching forward determined to get what she wants, what she deserves and what she was made to do. I can still see the faint flicker of hope and the light at the end of the tunnel. I just need time to become happy again. I will return.
I know that the fall saved my life but it was the start of my life crumbling down all over again. I should be grateful but I cannot be.
The battle continues but I will not be beaten.
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