by Vanessa Glynn
I had my first miscarriage when I was 19. I always knew I wanted to be a mum, I just never imagined I'd be so young. I attended my first midwife appointment and booked my first scan.
At around 10 weeks I noticed that I was passing a brown discharge. I honestly didn't think much of it as I knew it was normal in pregnancy, but my instinct was to get checked at the hospital anyway.
I was booked in for a scan in a few days time So they told me to go home and take it easy. The following day I started to loose tiny clots and just knew something wasn't right.
I went for my scan where I was told no heartbeat could be found and that the sac was empty.
All I could see was a black hole where my baby should of been and it broke my heart, I was in bits.
I felt guilt, anger, all sorts! I just wanted my baby back and at that point I didn't realise what I'd had until it was gone. I was devastated.
I was given three options as to how I wanted to fully end my pregnancy. I could pass it naturally, have a D&C or take a tablet which would bring on the miscarriage.
I chose the tablet. The next day I started to get excruciating cramps and passed clots all over my bedroom, nearly fainting, I was in agony. At the hospital a gynaecologist removed the remaining bits of my pregnancy and I stayed there overnight.
The months that followed were horrible. I just wanted to be pregnant. Looking back I should of had professional help but I was just too nervous to go.
I kept cancelling my appointments. I was so obsessive that I was even taking pregnancy tests while on my periods.
I returned to work a month after the miscarriage and put a brave face on. I had a lot of comments from people who really thought they was saying the right thing when in reality it was the last thing I wanted to hear, things like "it was just all your impurities going away, your next baby will be beautiful" they meant well, but it was hard having to smile and pretend to agree.
In October 2010 I had my first baby, a beautiful girl called Holly. I was just so relieved to hold my baby in my arms.
When Holly was around 18 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I was delighted. But something deep down just didn't feel right.
I pushed these doubts to the back of my mind and tried to enjoy the pregnancy. One Saturday evening during I got up to make a cup of tea and remember feeling blood pass, it was bright red and I instantly knew I was miscarrying there and then.
I broke down and my partner Colin held me up. I was petrified to go through all that yet again, the worst was yet to come. We went to the hospital but by then the blood had stopped and the midwife told me my cervix was closed, a scan was booked for a few days later.
Over the next few days the bleeding continued until one night before my scan I started getting those excruciating pains again and we went back. That's when it all kicked off. At first I was placed on a ward while they found me a room, it was around 12.30am.
I was in agony, again passing large clots. Eventually I was moved to a side room and the bleeding calmed and I was able to get around 10 minutes rest.
My partner Colin got up to leave when suddenly I felt what I can only describe as a placenta sized clot pass from me. I knew it was too big for the baby as I was only 11 weeks but it felt like the size of a baby's head. I began to haemorrhage.
What happened next is a blur.
I remember the room filling with doctors and nurses as my body went into shock, I was shaking from head to toe and had to have my top cut off me as I couldn't move properly.
I was rushed to theatre for an emergency D&C and had a blood transfusion when I came round.
The following December I found out I was pregnant again. I had mixed emotions but deep down knew it would be OK. I gave birth the following August to a beautiful boy called Nathan.
I feel our family is now complete. My partner has since had the snip which was a mutual decision and the best option all round.
I will never ever forget my 2 babies that I lost.
I have a tattoo on my wrist of three little birds as that song by Bob Marley was playing when I came round from my D&C and the words felt right. It's a special song to me.
We have a wedding booked for next year and are looking forward to making many happy memories with our children who are now 5 and 2.
My advice to anyone in a similar situation is to get help if you know you need it and to let of steam once in a while, I still cry to this day over my babies and I think I always will.
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