Story of #miscourage by Stephanie,
It has been three years since I suffered a miscarriage. It was a complete shock to the system for me and my now fiancé. We weren’t trying for a baby but by the time I found out... It was too late. I finally decided to be brave and write a blog to get my story out there to other women and couples going through such a tough time. Having a miscarriage made me realise I long to start a family and filled me with all the emotions any mother to be would have had. To this day I still wonder if I could of saved it. I blame myself (Although I get reminded by loved ones that it wasn’t my fault). I always wonder if it was a boy or a girl and what they would have been like. I was quiet for so long but writing the blog made me feel like so much weight had been lifted off my shoulders and the amount of support I received from family and friends was truly overwhelming.I had so many people reach out to me that evening sharing their stories with me. It made me want to reach out to more women and encourage people to be able to speak up about miscarriage and baby loss.
April 14th 2015, I sat in the nurses room sobbing after just being informed I had miscarried. The nurse told me not to cry and that everything would be ok. I was offered a scan. I refused. I didn’t want to know how far along I was. (The dates worked out at about 3-4 months) To which I left the medical centre and went straight to my parents house because when things go pear shaped I always go to the comfort of my childhood home. Where I can expect a warm welcome, a cup of coffee and hugs. (Which I desperately needed).I had to break the news via text message to my other half because I didn’t want to bother anyone and as usual I didn’t want a fuss made and I wanted to inform him as quick as I could.(He had previously seen the positive pregnancy test).
I spent the next couple of weeks in a huge amount of pain and hormones all over the place. I hid away at home (apart from going to work and sobbing whenever I could find five minutes to myself). I didn’t buy myself any new clothes, I actually hid my body in big jumpers and a body warmer. It took me forever to feel comfortable with my body again. Nobody seemed to notice… However it is my body and I knew exactly how my figure had changed.
I didn’t realise I was pregnant until it was too late. All the signs were there. Eating over 5 pancakes a day and drinking gallons of strawberry milkshake, feeling sick after eating eggs, chicken and broccoli! I was just so wrapped up in the everyday stresses of life and honestly just thought I kept picking up bugs all the time as I work in retail. It sounds incredibly stupid. I’m still embarrassed about my stupidity even today.
Unfortunately I didn’t give myself time to grieve and my (now fiancé) just kept going and dealing with me being a complete mess throughout the whole ordeal. I am so grateful to have someone so strong and caring in my life. He truly is an incredible person and he really helped me get through it. My parents were also my support system. A long hug with my dad and my mum and both of them constantly checking on me really meant the world to me. However, I never took time out for myself. I went straight back to work and ended up with paramedics at my house because I decided I couldn’t be bothered to look after myself and didn’t deserve to eat food or drink water. I had hit rock bottom and depression had really set in. My parents were incredibly worried as was my boyfriend and they all were there for me every step of the way making sure I did what I had to do to keep going. Then I decided to tell my bosses (I have a few) where hugs were exchanged and pep talks were given. I tried to pick myself back up and carry on. Where I work is a very big family business so the kids would turn up as normal in work time and I honestly don’t know what I would of done without them there to make me laugh! I’m so grateful to work for people that are truly supportive and I can talk to them about anything.
I’m hoping that whoever is reading this understands that I am not writing this to cause upset. I’m writing this to spread awareness and encourage everyone to speak up about this subject.
It shouldn’t be kept quiet! People are really understanding as I have found (although it took me a long time to open up to people) and it’s time for everyone to just be open and honest for the sake of helping others. We could all do with a shoulder to cry on or just a cuppa and a chat. I’ve come such a long way and I’m hoping others can too.
I am now at a time in my life where I will be getting married soon and I feel it’s my time to open up about this. Hopefully We can start a family when we get our own house and I can look back at this and be so proud of how much I have grown throughout my journey. I am a very maternal person as some people may know. I am very caring towards children and can’t wait to be a mother someday.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer