#misCOURAGE story, 02/03/2017, by Amie Foster
"Shall we try for a baby"? Was the question my husband asked me one afternoon.
We had always talked about having children, I was more keen then my husband at the time, that's why I was a little shocked when he asked the question.
So we started trying, I was 27 and my husband was 36 so it didn't cross our minds that we would have any issues.
I was very lucky to get caught straight away, I was a few days late, so early one morning when I was getting ready for work I decided to take a test and it was positive.
I phoned my husband straight away, we was both very happy. I remember being at work and it was all I could think about, excitement had kicked in, I just wanted to tell everyone at work that very morning but I knew the saying "don't tell anyone until after 12 weeks".
When both me and partner returned from work it's all we could talk about, we was so excited that we was going to be parents.
That afternoon we went to my husbands parents house as we did every Saturday afternoon. I was sitting having a drink and cake and all of a sudden I had this shooting pain in my tummy, it was very intense. I thought it might have just been the cake being to rich but something made me worry.
I carried on as normal that night, everything seemed fine and no more pains.
I woke up the next morning to go to work, I worked with horses and was mucking out at the time and I felt something leave me. It made me stop in my tracks and straight away I went to the toilet.
I looked and I was bleeding. I phoned my husband crying as I knew it wasn't right. He told me to relax and to see what happens. I continued to work, hiding back the tears from everyone.
The bleeding got heavier that day, I knew what was happening. I booked a doctors appointment the following day who sent me for a scan, which confirmed a miscarriage.
We decided to try again straight away, we was so gutted by the loss we didn't want to wait. Again I was very lucky to fall pregnant straight away.
Excitement hit me when I saw those words "pregnant" on the test but also scared.
I booked a doctors appointment for the next day, I knew they couldn't do anything but it made me feel better knowing I had been and spoken to them.
I tried to relax as much as possible, made sure I ate well, doing whatever I could to keep my baby safe.
The weeks went by, day by day everything was going ok. I kept thinking ok things are going well, this is it, everything will be fine.
I was 11 weeks, my scan was booked for the following week and I was so excited but also worried.
I was visiting my sister, while we was sitting having a drink all of a sudden I felt a bit poorly and had some pain in my tummy, the pain hung around for a while. I had that worried feeling but i didn't say anything to anyone. Eventually the pain went away.
The following day when I went to the toilet I noticed some brown discharge on my underwear, I just stood and stared at it for a while. I then pulled myself together, phoned my midwife who confirmed it was normal.
I tired to forget about it, the weekend passed and the discharge disappeared. The following Monday the discharge reappeared, so I made a doctors appointment. They told me it was normal. I asked for a scan for reassurance but they said no as it wasn't showing as bright red blood.
I left trying to trust there words but something inside just didn't feel right.
The brown discharged stayed the next following days, I also started to notice my boobs had stopped hurting, I didn't feel sick anymore.
I told myself it's ok, symptoms start to wear off eventually I hear when you approach 12 weeks.
Even though I told myself everything was ok, I couldn't help but feel unsure.
I knew there was something wrong but no one seemed to be listening to me.
A week went by, still having discharge, the day before my scan, I started to bleed. I phoned my midwife straight away who wasn't very helpful at the time just told me to wait for my scan which was the following day.
Me and partner tried to relax and told ourselves everything will be alright.
Early hours the next morning, I woke up in so much pain, agonising. I woke my husband up and told him he needed to get me to a hospital. On the way to the hospital, the pains where getting worse, coming in waves, I was having contractions.
I had started to bleed in the car, the pain was so bad I could barely walk to the A&E department, my husband nearly had to carry me.
My husband was talking to the nurse at the desk and that was it, I just screamed "it's all coming out" blood was everywhere, the nurse called for other staff to come and help. Seeing my husband crying was also heartbreaking.
I was put onto a bed, told I was miscarrying and I needed to have a D&C.
I remember waking up feeling so empty, I will always remember that empty feeling, one minute I was pregnant, the next I wasn't. I suddenly felt alone. My baby was gone.
Taken on the day off my 12 week scan, I should have met my baby that afternoon.
We decided to wait a couple of months before trying again, my partner really struggled with this one. We both needed some time.
We did go on to try again, but sadly had another 3rd miscarriage.
We finally got transferred to a miscarriage clinic to have some tests. I have to admit I didn't find them very helpful. As soon as I walked in I was made to feel like you're just another person, this happens everyday, hurried out the door.
They lost my first set of blood tests, so I had to make a 2nd journey back to the hospital. We never got any answers to why it happened. I was so angry, it felt like they didn't care. I wanted something done about it.
We decided not to go any further with the tests as I was currently pregnant the 4th time.
I begged my consultant for earlier scans, I asked them not to make me wait for the 12 week scan, I just couldn't cope with that.
They agreed and I had a scan at 6 weeks. I was so scared, it didn't help that I was in the same room where I had been before which confirmed my very first miscarriage.
I had no idea if they would see anything or even see a heartbeat. Thankfully there was my baby, jumping around and having a wave, most of all a strong heartbeat. Coming home with my very first picture was amazing.
I was scanned every 2 weeks and we finally reached our 12 week scan. Even though I had been scanned throughout, I was still so nervous about this one. Most of all because we had never reached this point with my previous pregnancy's and also because off loosing our second baby at this stage to.
Hearing those words that there was a heartbeat and everything looked great was a relief. We walked out of the hospital with our scan pictures and a huge smile on our faces. We could now announce to everybody that I was pregnant.
Though I was past the 12 week stage, the whole pregnancy was hard.
I suffered with anxiety, bad dreams, worrying that something was going to go wrong at any minute.
The hardest part about being pregnant was not feeling I had control. I felt my body was in control of everything, at any point it could decide to stop things from happening.
We continued to be scanned right up until 35 weeks.
We then had our little boy at 41 weeks on the 02/12/2016.
Me and my partner look at our little boy every day and still can't believe he is ours. We feel incredibly lucky.
I never ever thought at the age of 27 that I would struggle, we all just presume it's going to happen. It's been a journey that has changed me as a person. One I will never forget.
It's not just affected me but my partner also. Someone asked us if we are going to have another baby and our answer is a straight NO!
The thought of going through another miscarriage is just heartbreaking not only for me but also my husband.
To me the chances of getting pregnant again aren't high enough. Unless someone could say to me I will 100% get pregnant again and nothing will go wrong, but that's not guaranteed and to be honest I don't want to find out.
I would love a brother or sister for my son but I just can't bare to go through it all over again.
I love my little boy so much, he is a precious gift, I'm going to enjoy seeing him grow up and be incredibly thankful. I will always remember my 3 babies that I should have had. In my heart, I will always have 4 children, just 3 of them wasn't able to stay.
A couple of things I have learnt from this whole experience is:
(1) There needs to be more help for people that go through a miscarriage. I didn't get any help at all. Make sure you talk to someone, anyone. Don't keep it to yourself. Write it down, scream, do whatever you need to do that helps. I found talking to other people on the miscarriage association forum helped.
(2) I don't believe in this 12 Week Rule. I believe as soon as you find out your pregnant you should tell everyone, no matter how early or what stage your are in pregnancy. We have no idea how long we will be pregnant for, so you should be able to enjoy the experience with everyone. The more people know, the more people you have to help you if something goes wrong.
(3) I also don't believe when people say "it's natures way"....completely incorrect in my opinion, no one should have the right to say it's just natures way unless it's been proven. There could be something underlying, a reason to why it's happening.
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