#misCOURAGE story, 02/03/2017, by anonymous
When I got pregnant with my third child we were really happy and felt relaxed about having another baby.
We had only told my sister and my mum and were keeping it a secret till we'd had all the usual scans and tests that will hopefully tell you that the pregnancy is going well.
I had felt this pregnancy was different to my other two, I wasn't getting any morning sickness and hadn't really gone off any food like before. I had been a bit more tired but again nothing like my previous pregnancies.
Two days before I actually miscarried I said to my husband that it was strange, I almost didn't feel pregnant but I was looking forward to my 12 week scan and once I saw the baby then it would start to feel real.
Unfortunately 2 days later I woke up to find I'd been bleeding through the night.
We went to the maternity hospital and after some scans I was told that the baby wasn't measuring to my dates, the measurements showed to be 6 weeks even though I was 9 weeks. And there was no heartbeat.
I was devastated and shocked.
My husband was lovely and was just worried about me more than anything. We went home after being told that I would have some heavy bleeding and would need someone with me when it happened.
It happened the next morning. And it wasn't just heavy bleeding. I had to pass all the pregnancy tissue and strangely that hadn't crossed my mind until I was faced with it in my bathroom the next morning.
I think being faced with the reality of it, like that, put me into shock. It made an already sad situation so much harder.
I don't think I could begin to explain the feelings that follow afterwards. I remember the sudden realisation when I climbed back into bed that I was now officially not pregnant. It just all changed so quickly.
What happened to me was called a missed miscarriage. I never knew about this before it happened to us. Sometimes the baby can stop growing and your body doesn't let you know initially, in our case it took 3 weeks for my body to react.
I had to have follow up scans in the following weeks to check everything had gone, which took its time. Sitting in the maternity hospital surrounded by all the pregnant women was so hard.
I felt like such a failure, I wanted so much to be sitting there like them waiting for my scan etc feeling happy but I wasn't.
I was the woman that no pregnant woman wants to be.
A few months have passed now and every pregnant woman I see feels like a reminder. The pregnancies that have been announced that are expecting at the same time I was, just make me feel silently sad inside that it's not us.
It's like it stings when you hear people's happy news. And I am happy for people, I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I just wish it hadn't happened to us either.
I know we've children so I'm aware how lucky we are. And I'm truly grateful to have happy healthy children.
I think some friends we told didn't get it cause we have kids and so we weren't like other people who had no children and so somehow that meant our miscarriage wasn't as much of a tragedy.
A couple of other friends I told shared their own experiences with me , they understood. It is something that I think until it happens to you , you just don't understand how heartbreaking it is.
It just feels really isolating.
We think we might try again but i know I'll be really anxious next time , we just took it for granted before because my other pregnancies had been ok.
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