by Samantha Small
My husband and I started to try for our first baby in 2011. To our delight, it took us only three short months to conceive and 9 months later we welcomed our son.
We decided a month before his first birthday to try for a sibling and were blessed to fall pregnant first try. However as the weeks went by I had a gut feeling that I could no longer ignore so we booked a private scan at 8 weeks only to be told I was measuring only 6 weeks and were told to come back in 2 weeks.
It was an agonising wait and during that time I started to feel normal and no longer pregnant.
I had dreams that the scan was empty but hoped I was wrong.
When we went for our second scan my fears were confirmed, we were having a missed miscarriage. My heart broke, I felt numb, I didnt want to say the words out loud because then it was real. I had seen stories on forums about ladies who had sadly suffered miscarriages but it was just not something that I thought would happen to us.
I felt stuck, I was pregnant but my baby had died and my body just wasn't realising it.
For another week or so I was stuck in limbo, unable to start grieving because I was still pregnant.
That type of pain changes you in ways I cant begin to describe. Having the vacuum procedure was heartbreaking but it meant I could begin to heal and grieve our much loved baby.
When we felt ready we started trying again and that's when we realised something had changed, my body had changed and things became more difficult. After 15 months we finally conceived again but I had the same gut feeling and couldn't let myself believe that we were going to have this baby.
I lost our baby a few weeks later in the late hours of Christmas day, it occurred naturally, which I was thankful for because I don't think I could have coped with the torment of being in limbo again.
In a way it was easier because sadly I had prepared myself for the moment when it would happen again, my body just knew, it's a surreal feeling I can't describe.
I am forever changed, we named our babies, they existed and their due dates will stay with me forever along with the pain of losing them.
It's not something that's widely talked about but why? Why is it not OK? Why can we talk about things that make us happy on a daily basis but feel we have to hide when we are hurting? After opening up to some, I was surprised that so many women I know had experienced losses too, but of course no one talks about it.
Last year we were diagnosed with secondary infertility and are hoping to do IVF later this year. People don't know a lot about secondary infertility and assume that because we have one child we can have more which sadly isn't the case for a lot of couples like us.
We only know about these things because we are going through them, otherwise we wouldn't have any idea. Miscarriage is such a taboo subject that we were unaware of 1 in 4, until we became one.
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