I told my mum I was pregnant on April fools day. We knew it was early but this was the most exciting news I had ever had. Looking back on it I'm so thankful I did.
We had been trying for almost two years when I got my positive test. For the last few years I hadn't been having regular periods and my doctors has looked into it but decided nothing was wrong. For that reason I decided it would be unlikely but there was no reason we couldn't try anyway. I'm still young (23) so I figured I had plenty of time. I had just had a referral through to speak to fertility when we got the good news. I called my doctors and arranged an appointment with a midwife.
I had known I was pregnant for 3 weeks when I started to bleed. Just a little at first but I panicked and called NHS 24 who arranged for me to go to the hospital. While I waited for my appointment time I started to bleed more heavily and I passed a little lump which I later realised must have been my baby. The hospital examined me and did another positive pregnancy test. I was told they couldn't know for sure without an ultrasound which they couldn't perform until Wednesday (4 days away).
I called in sick from work and waited.
I was so scared and upset and my husband and I just didn't know what to say to each other.
The day came and the hospital confirmed my fears that I had lost my baby. They also told me that I normally would have been able to speak to my midwife but I didn't have one yet.
I had lost all the hopes and dreams of my little family as the icing on the cake a few weeks later my appointment with fertility came through. They said because I had been pregnant there was nothing they could do and also commented that it was likely to be my weight that had contributed to my miscarriage. I am now over a year past my miscarriage and we still haven't managed to conceive. Every time a friend announces a pregnancy, or I pass a pregnant lady in the street I become viciously jealous of them.
We have a little cat now and she's helped me get my heart back together but I don't think there will ever be a day where I don't imagine the child we never got to meet.
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