by Georgina Browne
We were expecting our second baby, everything was going along normally. I had been extra careful with my diet as in my first pregnancy I had gestational diabetes, so was watching my sugars. At about 11 weeks I experienced some spotting, but I had had this with the first pregnancy so wasn't worried. I still called my midwife to be safe and was referred to the early pregnancy assessment team at the hospital.
When we went to the appointment I was a little nervous but was trying to think of it as mainly routine. The staff were great, really calming to me and my partner. They couldn't pick anything up on the external scan so had to use the internal scanner. They could see a yoke sac and possibly something within but it would have been dated at about 5/6 weeks. We had been trying so I was certain of my dates, the positive pregnancy test was several weeks pre 5/6 weeks so I was instantly aware of a serious problem.
Due to the early dating of this scan the staff were not able to offer anything concrete for us to go away with but another appointment for the following week to check for changes. At this stage, I hadn't told any family or friends as we were waiting until my birthday which would have been at our 12 week scan. It was one of the longest weeks I have had to endure, the following scan showed changes but nothing concrete again, so another scan was booked.
Both my partner and I along with the staff knew it wasn't looking positive
At this point I reached out to some close friends who had experienced miscarriages (both different types) and had been open about them. I also explained what was happening to my family who were all brilliant. We all tried to think of what might have caused mixed up dates or how there could still be a positive outcome.
I struggled between wanting to hold onto this pregnancy to the bitter end, versus wanting it all over if the baby had died so I could process the situation. The weeks of limbo were so hard to get through.
Before my third scan I started to naturally miscarry the pregnancy, the early pregnancy assessment team had given us information on what to do if this happened and I ended up going to hospital to get checked out. They confirmed the missed miscarriage and I chose to have the medication to complete the process as I didn't want to go for a D&C or have to wait any longer at this point now I knew.
It was a very difficult night that night at home with my partner, I think it was almost cathartic that it was so painful because it was such a painful emotional experience.
The support from close friends and family was so invaluable to me, but those who shared their own losses with me made it so much easier to open up about my own. I felt like they knew and understood, we didn't even have to really speak about it, they just understood my feelings.
I feel lucky that I had people around me who had been so open about their experiences. Plus I already had a beautiful daughter, it would have been so hard if this had been my first pregnancy experience. I am now expecting a little boy in a few weeks and it feels like it has helped to heal but not forget, the anniversary will always be a sad day for us.
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