by Ilsabeth Morley
Me and my other half had been trying to conceive for 18 months and in 2012 we were beginning to give up hope. Then my beautiful mum died in august aged 60 after a long battle with cancer. I was utterly devastated and although we were still trying I was caught up in grief.
December came and I was 5 days late which perked me up a bit. The baby was nicknamed kidney bean and my dream of being a mum was coming true; a good end to a terrible year. But it wasn't to be. I spotted a little at the weekend but not much and people said it was implantation bleeding.
On Christmas Eve I started bleeding, A&E were limited to what they could do so booked me into EPU for a scan the following Friday. I had to survive Christmas without mum and knowing deep down that bean was gone. It was horrendous I really don't know how we did it. Anyway Friday came and so did the news I already knew; bean was gone.
I was devastated and felt desolate and lost.
People say its only a embryo you're only 7 weeks and that it wasn't a baby. They say it's better to lose it early if something is wrong. Well I'm sorry it may be an embryo to you but it was my BABY and bean will always have a place in my heart even if it was early.
When we felt able we tried again it nearly broke our relationship at one point and again it wasn't the easiest journey and another 18 months of nothing. I was a mess but decided to have fun again and not just do the deed to make a baby.
I finally got pregnant and my pregnancy was a good one but I was anxious all through it. I didn't relax properly till the 12 week scan but even then had moments of disbelief. I now have my beautiful rainbow baby girl who is now 15 months old and full of character.
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