I used to think I wasn't allowed to grieve because it wasn't a baby, just an egg

When I fell pregnant with Rita-Jo and saw her heartbeat at 6 weeks it hit me that yes, they were all babies and I have every right to grieve!

Rachel Johnson

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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August 2016

By Rachel Johnson

I was 18 when I first fell pregnant. I was on cloud 9, over the moon and very unaware of miscarriages. Never for a second did I think I would suffer one - let alone twelve.

I had another miscarriage a few month later and then went 2 years without falling pregnant. I then fell pregnant again and suffered my 3rd miscarriage. 5 months later I suffered another miscarriage taking me to 4 miscarriages in total.

I was off work grieving the loss of my babies when one day I just felt pregnant so I took a home test - it was positive! I couldn't believe this was possible, I had no period from my previous miscarriage. It took a while to convince my doctors as they were sure it was a false reading from my previous miscarriage. I had to wait the longest week of my life to take another test and it was still positive! 

I took part in some research where I would either have pogestrone or placebo. I saw my baby for the first time on the screen, I just couldn't take it in. The weeks went on and I continued to have scans.

I was the happiest women alive but I just couldn't actually believe I was carrying a baby.

I woke up everyday wondering if this was the day I was going to start bleeding! I got to 9 weeks and began to heavily bleed so I rushed to A&E. I really thought that was it, I had lost my baby. They scanned me during the night and there she was wriggling away spinning round and round. The relief that came across me I cannot describe I was SO happy!

I continued to bleed for a good while but my baby was safe. I couldn't enjoy any of my pregnancy, I was worried sick everyday because you can just never know what is going to happen and I had already been so unlucky.

I always thought well why am I so lucky now?

I finally gave birth to my beautiful baby girl Rita-Jo. She could not be any more perfect. I had quite a traumatic labour and at first I thought I'm never putting myself through the heartbreak or pain ever again. 

Rita-Jo was 2 months old and I became broody again! Me & my partner both agreed to try again. We found out I was pregnant again when Rita-Jo was 7 months old and I miscarried straight away again. Over the next few months I was constantly falling pregnant without having a period from the previous miscarriage. The doctors had said it was fine to try straight away as I was causing no harm to my body. 

The rest of the miscarriages are just a blur. I don't remember them as much but that's my way of dealing with it, just blocking it out. Every month when I have a period it hits me for the day then I just find the strength to get through it. I have my daughter who is my main reason for being so strong.

The doctors have done all the tests they said they can and always say its unexplained, there's no reason for my miscarriages. As much as I would love an answer deep down I am so glad nothing has came back to state why. All my miscarriages have been around the 6 week mark so they have all been really early.

I used to think I wasn't allowed to grieve because it wasn't a baby, just an egg. But when I fell pregnant with Rita-Jo and saw her heartbeat at 6 weeks it hit me that yes, they were all babies and I have every right to grieve!

I'm sharing my story in the hope that no one ever feels as lonely as I have.

No one has ever openly talked to me about miscarriages, I've always just told people about mine and that is when someone will then tell me they have too. I wish more people would speak out as it's nothing to be ashamed of.

It still is your baby.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer