It's Sunday night and again I'm laying wide awake thinking about my precious little twins who would have been 4 this year.
I thought time was meant to be a healer?
In April 2012 I had a missed misscarriage. We were at the hospital for our 13 week scan both nervous and excited to see our babies for the second time (my doctor did an early scan for us at 8 weeks). The nurse put the scanner down after a few minutes and said "I'm sorry, there are no heartbeats, both babies have died, I'll give you a minute" and she left the room. We were left sitting in the dark looking at a blank screen where our babies had been just moments before. I silently got dressed, left the room, walked to the ladies and locked myself in a cubicle.I didn't know how to be around anyone at that moment.
The next hour is all so clear in my mind, questions, decisions, blood tests, forms but most of all the physical pain, it felt like my heart had been ripped out. My partner made most of the decisions for me and eventually I sobbed into his arms, so grateful that he was there. It was decided the next morning I was to return to hospital to have an ERPC.
The rest of the day I felt numb, at 13 weeks with twins I looked more like 20 weeks and it was very obvious I was pregnant so I hadn't been able to hide it. Family and friends were texting asking to see pictures of the scan and I didn't know how to tell them.
So much of me felt sick knowing my children were no longer alive inside me, but I didn't want to let them go.
The next day was physically and emotionally painful, if anyone wants to speak to me about an ERPC then I will happily answer any questions you have. The hospital staff had seen so many women like me and as horrible as it sounds they just needed to get me in theatre and well enough to go home as soon as they could with very little emotion.
I don't remember the weeks that followed those two days, I don't remember when I started to feel human again. I know being practical helped me, I made a memories book, adopted a star, and broke the news to everyone that knew...but I don't remember doing any of it.
Since then I've celebrated every Birthday they would of had, thought about them on every anniversary and Mothers day, and I can't believe so much time has passed. It still feels like yesterday I burst into our bedroom clutching a positive pregnancy test waking my partner up excitedly to tell him.
I mention the twins fairly regularly to those close to me, and wonder if they ever think I should just 'get over it'. I don't expect anyone else to understand it, even if someone else has been through it their pain and experience could be totally different to mine.
My life is very different to what it was then, the pain of losing the twins caused me to push away the man I loved and a lot of time has passed. I have a great career, I moved to a fantastic city and I have a lifestyle I enjoy.
Unfortunately no career or lifestyle will bring back our children, or fill the void of losing them but I do appreciate what I have, a life full of fun and freedom.
Hopefully one day when the time is right, I will be able to have the family I so desperately want, but for now I'll continue making memories to share with them in the future.
Love Ellen xx
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