I think about my baby and what could have been every day

I didn't want to talk about what had happened with anyone apart from my partner because of the responses I would get.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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August 2016

Mary

I knew I was put on this earth to have children, not one or two, but five. I have never imagined how I want my wedding day to be, nor have I thought too much about my career. One thing has always remained the same - I want children, my own flesh and blood. 

I was 24 when I found out I was pregnant. I was completely shocked when I found out as we had been trying for over a year for a baby. I had actually already given up hope that I was able to conceive by the time I found out I was going to have a baby. To confirm I was pregnant I took 4 pregnancy tests and each one told me that I was indeed PREGNANT! 

The excitement I felt was like nothing I had ever experienced.I already knew what name my baby would have if I had a boy or a girl, I already knew how the nursery would be, I already knew what school my child was going to go to. My partner then said 'what if we are having twins?' - back to the drawing board with names I go. 

During the first couple of months I didn't experience a lot of pregnancy symptoms which I thought was unusual but I had read online that this was normal and each woman's body deals with pregnancy differently. I did feel sick a few times, but I never threw up. I needed to go to the toilet a lot and I felt hungry and craved pork pies all the time (I don't even like pork pies). When I met with the midwife she made me feel confident about my pregnancy and that everything was going fine.

I was so excited, this was actually happening - I was going to have my own baby. Half me and half the person that I love. 

On Monday 14th December 2015 I went into work and it was just like any other Monday at work. Everyone was tired, I was tired and the day was filled with the same old boring tasks. However, it wasn't like any other Monday. It was the worst Monday of my life. 

I went to the toilet and when I wiped I saw brown blood. My heart was crushed. In that one split second I knew that it was over. I knew I had lost my baby. I ran out and told my manager and she told me to go to the doctor's immediately. 

My eyes were filled with tears. I couldn't even see yet I was driving like a maniac to get to the doctor's surgery. The whole journey was a blur. 

The doctor tried to calm me down and said that she will call the hospital to see if they can book me in for a scan. They couldn't book me in until the next day so my partner rang a private clinic and they booked us in for that evening. 

My partner tried to calm me down. His mom was trying to calm me down. I knew it was all over. 

My partner had booked a taxi to the private clinic - if the worst was confirmed neither of us would be in a fit state to drive home. On the way to the clinic the song 'Stay Another Day' by East 17 came on. When they sang 'baby if you have got to go away I don't think I can take the pain' I broke down again. If that wasn't a sign that it was all over then I don't know what was.

The song came on again when we were in the clinic, on their little radio. I knew it was all over. 

There were three other couples in the waiting area. All of them left with smiles on their faces and pictures of their little baby. They called my name and I went in. I explained the days event and they told me to lie down so they could begin the scan. 

She pressed down hard and I saw the sac and I thought I saw my baby but there was no baby. The woman didn't say anything. 

There was silence. I hate silence. 

She then asked me to go and empty my bladder so she could do an internal scan. The scan showed a sac but nothing. She measured the sac and she then explained that I had suffered a missed miscarriage. 

'What is that?' I asked. 

My baby passed away at five weeks but the pregnancy had continued. The week I found out I was pregnant my baby had passed away yet my body continued to think I was pregnant. 

All I could say to my partner was 'where is my baby? Where is my baby? Where is my baby?'

I didn't understand. How does this happen? Why has this happened? Why me? Why us? What have I done wrong? 

For the next 24 hours I didn't believe it but I did at the same time. I started googling 'missed miscarriage', and I read loads of stories of women who had been told that they had suffered a missed miscarriage but they had got the dates wrong and the baby was there. 

I started to think and believe that this is what happened to me, but then I didn't believe it at the same time. I was clinging on to anything that could give me hope, but I knew it was all over. 

On the Tuesday me and my partner went for the NHS scan at our local hospital and they confirmed that I had suffered a miscarriage, but with no explanation. The nurses at the hospital were so cold, they had no remorse and did not care about what I was going through. If it wasn't for the private clinic I would have not known what type of miscarriage I had suffered. 

The hospital gave me a leaflet which explained the options I had to get the sac removed. I had until Friday to tell them what option I wish to choose. I had chosen to go down the surgery route. 

I never had the surgery in the end as everything came away naturally. The pain was excruciating. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. 

It has been over 8 months since the miscarriage and it hasn't been easy dealing with the heartache of losing a baby. Friends and family have not been supportive and me and my partner have had to deal with things on our own. 

Our families tried to put things into perspective for us 'at least you weren't five months in', 'at least the baby wasn't still born' or 'it wasn't meant to be'. 

Work colleagues discussed pregnancies in the office without a second thought for what I had been through. 

Every time I logged into Facebook there was someone else sharing a 12 week scan picture of their baby. 

There is no day that goes by where I don't think about my baby. I think about my baby and what could have been every day. I didn't want to talk about what had happened with anyone apart from my partner because of the responses I would get. My partner was the only person who knew the extent of my heart ache. 

I sought out help through hypnotherapy sessions for a couple of months but to be honest even that didn't help.

The only thing that has helped is time. Time is definitely a healer, and whilst I am not completely healed, I am getting there. 

For the ladies out there who are suffering a miscarriage or have done please stay strong. Please understand it is not your fault and do not give up hope. 

My story doesn't explain half of the emotions that I have felt since losing my baby, nor does it show you the tears that I wipe away as I write this for you but I do hope it helps you. 

I hope that it makes you understand that you are not alone and that miscarriage is more common than you think. 

I pray that one day I will be blessed with my own baby but until then I am enjoying my life with my partner and make some amazing memories to tell our children about. 

Go to the full list of stories.

Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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