We had survived the early years with our precious 7 and 5 year old daughters we and had got to that comfortable time when we could go wherever we wanted without loads of luggage or stress; they could go to the loo, feed themselves and play nicely.
We were at a Christmas party where our friends were lurching around chasing their mucky toddlers, and one of our friends proudly declared they were pregnant..we were smug! We had been there done it and survived. The following day, I felt the oh so familiar pregnancy symptoms; my cup of tea was disgusting, I couldn't taste anything, uh oh, we were on the baby journey again,
I felt really poorly though; disturbed dreams, very cold, nauseous, I told everyone that would listen that something wasn't right. I was told I felt like that because it was a shock, because I was that but older...
I booked in for a scan, and still not feeling good at all I told the sonographer as we entered the room that either the baby was poorly or there wasn't a baby any more. I was told not to worry. The scan picture came up and there was just a little olive in a huge dark pregnancy sack, the sonographer didn't say a word. I knew that that wasn't what we should be seeing but she still said nothing and hurried off to get somebody.
We were taken to a quiet room where we were asked to choose what we wanted to do.
I asked what the choices were and was told that there wasn't one and that I needed to have a D&C as soon as they could fit me in. I wanted to let nature take its course but it wasn't possible. I am glad it wasn't possible now..
The following 12 hours at home were pretty dark, my poor girls, I am not sure what they thought was going on, my mum was devastated. It was still a shock, even though my heart and mind knew it hadn't been okay, I still couldn't quite believe this had happened and at 37 had never heard of a missed miscarriage.
I was shocked by the lack of communication in the antenatal clinic, that nobody spoke or explained things;
I didn't understand. My husband was awesome he looked after his broken wife and our children, he rationalised and cared for my heart. The following morning, dreading sitting in the other clinic and waiting.I was telephoned and given an appointment in the private ward for my procedure.
The care I received there was phenomenal , I was swiftly taken in with two amazing ladies who spoke to me so perfectly, they made me laugh in those dark dark moments.
They let me feel what I was feeling. I was so blessed. That night I felt very very low, I sat in the bath and cried and cried. My heart only survived because of my loving husband and the two precious girls sleeping in the other room. The following day I went out for lunch with my sister - who was pregnant, and was heartbroken I could enjoy a cup of tea again.
I was lucky, I was able to come home to a happy house, full of love, having had two healthy fear free pregnancies, two healthy little girls, a supportive and loving husband and family.
I grieved for the loss of the baby I had in my mind for those few weeks, but in understood that the foetus was not healthy, not viable and that it was meant to be. Five months later the familiar symptoms began again and although I couldn't breathe at the scans, and worried endlessly that something would go wrong - the happy hopeful joy of the unknown had disappeared - we have a happy and healthy 15month old and am 29 weeks pregnant with number four.
Nature does take its course, but that doesn't make it easier, I am eternally grateful that our loss wasn't for our first pregnancy and that we have had the miracle of a child and children. We must speak of our losses though so that when the inevitable losses happen we can survive them and take the next foot forward . Massive respect and love for the mummies and daddies who haven't been as lucky as me.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer