I was 21 weeks pregnant and off to have my scan our son who was 6 at the time was so excited to know if he was getting a brother or sister. I had had a early miscarriage in the previous October so we were nervous but excited as we had felt baby move. Those words will always stick in my mind "I'm sorry there's no heartbeat" and at that point my world fell apart I don't even know how I managed to get through the next few hours - we were put in a room and had to wait for a midwife to explain what would happen next - we were told I would have to deliver the baby and I would have to go back the next day to take a tablet to in effect switch my hormones off- I honestly felt that I was killing my baby even though she had already died.
We then had to tell our son the devastating news that he wasn't going to be a big brother. He was amazing and still is amazing. I was taken into hospital and delivered Ella at 6:15 pm and then it went wrong, I had a huge bleed and my placenta was stuck so I was rushed into theatre and woke up 2 hours later felling empty -that's the only was I can describe the feeling. I never got to see my baby in the flesh as she had severe anaemia caused by slapped cheek so the midwife advised not to but they had taken a photo of her and her hand and foot prints which were given to me in a beautiful box with her blanket and other bits and bobs.
I managed to get through the next few months with massive support from parents, friends family and the amazing people I worked with.
Around 18 months after Ella I discovered I was pregnant again it was the most terrifying time and I didn't enjoy being pregnant for one moment but we were lucky to have our beautiful rainbow baby Emmy Ella who is the happiest little girl and our son is the best big brother. We will never forget Ella and I think about her every day but as people it had changed us and made us appreciate what we have and how quickly you can lose things X
Thanks for listening it's always good to talk. X
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer