I sit and write this and I look back and I've never said all this out loud

I know the feeling of going home empty and having to tell your kid they won't be a big sister anymore.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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#misCOURAGE story, 20/04/2017, by Natalie

I found out I was pregnant really early on at 2 weeks my baby showed up on the clear blue test, I was a mixture of feelings...

As I went for my first early scan they couldn't see the baby, it was a worry from the get go..

I only have one other child who is 9, all she wanted was a sibling to play with not realising that by the time the baby grows she grows too, she was super excited..

I had a lot of appointments at the hospital with this one as I had pains from the start... They finally found my baby early on in a scan and all was good.....

Until I was just about to board a plane to Spain from Scotland I felt a gush of water come away..My heart dropped to the floor and a ran to the toilet.. Dabbed some tissue on my underwear and could pick up water and faint blood.....

That was the point where I wish I'd stayed in Scotland...I didn't...I didn't want to let my mum and daughter down with the holiday already booked so I boarded the plane, sat anxious and hoped for the best...

A few days went by with mild cramps and bleeding (still in denial about what's happening) and on 5 days later on Thursday I was walking up the street and I felt something come away, something I'd never felt before.

So I dashed to the nearest cafe to use their washroom, quickly undone all my clothes and when I looked I could see my baby as clear as day at 13 weeks old....

There was not any blood or anything else with it just the baby..... I couldn't take it in at all, went back to the hotel by this point I am bleeding and it's getting heavier, told my mum what had happened and I'm away to chill in the room, well that was just the start..

The bleeding became horrendous and the pain was like labour, I could not take it, lost so much blood I started to faint.. My mum took me to the Spanish hospital where no one really spoke English.

They emptied some of the left over pregnancy but not all of it, I was sent home to the hotel with painkillers and adult nappies... I was due home in two days after this ...

When I got home I went up to the hospital and they wanted me to stay in..FOOLISHLY after a week in Spain all I wanted was my bed and rest and to come to terms with my loss, I couldn't..

As I lay on my bed the bleeding was pouring and pouring and I remember the nurse saying if you feel a tight chest come back up straight away..

I was well deep into having chest pains and started to see black dots when I blinked, it was all the blood loss..

I phoned the hospital she says get an ambulance up asap so I called a taxi, went to a and e and just as I'd got there I couldn't see a thing? Strange but true, apparently this happens when you lose so much blood....

They popped me on some heart monitor and then sent me back up stairs to the ward I'd been in... They decided I needed a blood transfusion soI stayed for one.....

At this point even tho blood wouldn't stop the rest of the pregnancy hadn't came away yet, massive clots started to come away but the scan still kept showing a massive part not coming away then this massive massive bit of my insides came a way, it looked like a huge bit of liver and had such a stink to it, I will never forget that moment....

I sit and write this and I look back and I've never said all this out loud before so thanks for giving me the opportunity to get it out and share with other mothers to be..

I know the feeling of going home empty and having to tell your kid they won't be a big sister anymore... I found my daughter wanted to look after me after all this rather than let me look after her so we look after each other...

I have faith in god and I trust in god as to why that miscarriage happened and I know it should make it easier but it doesn't, this all happened in July 2016 and I still don't feel like I have dealt with it so when I saw this post I had to share.

In Loving Memory of Baby JJ <3

Thanks for listening....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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