When I was 20 I started bleeding, not like a period but a lot heavier and a lot more painful. I was sent for tests and scans and eventually a smear which isn't normally given so young. They found cancer cells on my cervix and told I might not be able to have babies.
Two years later I'd missed a period so did a test that showed I was pregnant. I couldn't slow my heart down I was so excited after being told I might never had children, I couldn't believe it.
That weekend I went to stay with my boyfriend I had had some spotting but brushed it off, but in the back of my head I knew. That night I couldn't sleep, I kept going to the toilet to check I knew what was happening but I thought if I prayed hard enough my baby would live, but he didn't. I went to the toilet and as I felt the first lump come away, I couldn't breath my chest felt like it was going to cave in;"come on pull yourself together!" I couldn't. I called my boyfriend and all I could say was: "I'm sorry I've lost our baby", like it was my phone or house keys, he held me and just said what do you want to do, I said; I want my mum.
Now I've never been the person who crawled into mum's bed when I was sick or scared, I was always independent and strong, but right at that second I wanted my mum so badly. I called my dad who, even though it was 2 in the morning, came to pick us up.
The whole car ride was a blur I don't remember any of just a haze of street lights.
When we got home I ran up to my mum's room, she asked; What's wrong? All I could manage to say was the baby is gone. We went downstairs, I could see my boyfriend had been crying but when I walked in he smiled and ask if I wanted anything.
It hit me although I was dealing my the physical pain he was dealing with the mental pain and the worry about me.
The next day the pain hit me like a lead truck. I couldn't move I couldn't breath, I begged to just die I couldn't take it I wasn't strong, but I did cope. Two weeks later I was still in agony and bleeding buckets so I was admitted to hospital. There I was told I had had suffered a spontaneous miscarriage. I couldn't believe it, was it my fault? My body didn't know what it was supposed to do and something got missed along the way, so my body flushed to re-start, that didn't help.
I was in hospital 2 days, the day I was released I saw a old school friend who rushed over to tell me she was pregnant and how exciting it was, I couldn't face it. I ran I just wanted to be at home safe from everyone and everything.
" Why? Why can people have babies that they will hurt and mistreat and I can't? I'm a great auntie, I'd be a great mum" these thoughts didn't help.
It took so long for me to come to terms with what happend but that October just over 4 months after that day I found out I was pregnant again. I was so scared I blocked it out didn't tell anyone but my boyfriend, he ended up in hospital that night having panick attacks, he thought the same as me, that it was his fault.
Our first scan was an amazing day watching our little wriggle bum move away from the sonogropher, we were told the baby's due date was 8/6/13 the exact day one year later I had miscarried, our daughter was born on the 9/6/13 she wasn't going to be born on her brother or sister's death date.
Two years after the birth of our first daughter came the birth of our second daughter. I still wonder what they would have looked like and I still hurt, but looking at my beautiful babies I feel now like everything happens for a reason sometimes to test us and sometimes to make us strong and to show us what really matters.x
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