We moved into our new dream home as a family of 3, my husband had got the amazing promotion he and I had wanted for him for a while, and then we found out I was 4 weeks pregnant, life was pretty amazing and we were over the moon.
I'd had a difficult labour with my little boy (now 20 months) and was slightly worried about this pregnancy due to my BMI, but after seeing the midwife at 8 weeks and having a long chat with her, I felt so excited and we started planning to become a family of 4.
My husband went away with work for a week and my little boy and I were so excited to see him, it was a bank holiday weekend to so extra family day. During the day on the Sunday I had some brownish discharge, but looking it up on the internet, it was supposed to be 'normal'. It happened again on the Monday, so I rang the doctors and they checked me over and told me to chase up my 12 week scan, I was 10 weeks.
So on the Tuesday I rang to chase my appointment and arranged it for the following Friday. That morning I had some light period blood, when chasing my scan the lady suggested I ring the early pregnancy centre, so I rang my doctor and they arranged for us to have a scan on the Thursday. The next 2 days felt like weeks and each day the bleeding got worse, so we expected the worst, but we had to be strong for our little boy.
The Thursday came and my best friends had come to look after our little boy and we headed to the hospital. We waited in the waiting area and I couldn't hold back the tears knowing deep down it wasn't going to be good news, but there was still that tiny bit of hope that it maybe ok.
We went in for the scan and it was confirmed that unfortunately our baby had no heart beat, they wanted to do an internal scan just to be sure, but still it was still the same, our hearts broke
They took us to a side room and told us out options, but to be honest I didn't really take it in, all wanted to do was to get home to my little boy. As we walked out I asked my husband to hide the leaflets as I felt so ashamed walking through the hospital.
We got home and sat in the garden watching our little boy play as it all sank in. All of a sudden I had this contraction pain and then felt a bubble down below, so rushed to the toilet and things started to pass. I thought this maybe it but this happened every 15 mins, at one point I couldn't leave the bathroom. My husband suggested I rang the EPU to check the amount of blood I was losing was normal, it wasn't..they told me to go straight to A&E where I'd be met by a doctor. As I entered A&E, I started to leak and then there was all I can describe a pop and blood was every where, they took me into majors and explained something had got stuck whilst passing and it was causing the bleeding.
The doctors had the remove the remaining bits and explained it would be tested and cremated and scattered in the cemetery, which helped so much knowingly our baby wasn't going down the toilet, which is something I really struggled with. I was taken to a ward and monitored and was able to go home the following day.
Over the next 3 weeks each day got easier, and having our little boy has helped me so much. I've found it hard and can't imagine how hard it is for ladies that this is their first pregnancy.
In the last few weeks I've been to see my pregnant friends and also a friend who has just had a baby and I was ok. I was worried I may resent them, but the time I spent in hospital on my own gave me time to think and realise it wasn't my fault and it was our baby wasn't happy and it wasn't meant to be. I do get days where I blame myself but I think this is natural.
Since this has happened I've realised how common it is and we aren't alone. Talking about it to family, friends and also strangers has helped me so much, just by saying it all out loud. We will try again for another baby, but next year to give us some time to heal.
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