I am blessed with two young healthy boys aged 10 and 6, I was not expecting to fall pregnant at 35 after meeting my new partner but was delighted when it happened! January 2015 I found out just after my eldest birthday party, shock and delight, scared and happy but I never worried about losing the baby, it never entered my head. Then it started 11 weeks in scan booked for the following week we never got there, sadly I miscarried, it was very clinical no staff ever asked how I felt I was just given a leaflet and given my options which I didn't need as the baby came away on their own.
It was so distressing to go through and to carry that baby often referred to as 'product' or 'material' back to the hospital for inspection and confirm the full loss. I was told the baby had stopped growing around 6.5 weeks which was further distressing to think for the weeks after my baby had died and I had no idea. My local priest blessed my baby. Forward on to October 2015 and there were the two blue lines again, this time the fear was there. I was petrified the same would happen and managed to get an early scan and there the baby was strong heartbeat all appearing normal reassurance and scan picture received (now framed to represent the two babies I have lost) but early December the bleeding started again, I had to wait 6 hours to be seen despite substantial bleeding and eventually went to emergency gynae , expecting as the jelly was squeezed onto tummy and looking away from the screen I awaited those much dreaded words "sorry no heartbeat" but instead I seen my partner smile and then those precious words "there we go one strong heartbeat" I nervously turned to the screen and couldn't believe that I Could see both my baby and its heartbeat but I'm bleeding badly????
This can't be normal, yet I was sent away and told I had a good chance as long as the baby could cope with the bleeding that the pregnancy could continue, but as the day went on and the pain started I knew I wasn't going to get the baby which would be due on my birthday this June 2016, sadly I miscarried again and was hospitalised given the blood loss and low blood pressure. Terrible terrible time but my fourth baby too was blessed in a respectful collective service for all the little ones who only beat inside their mums. I write this 1) to mark the love for those little babies of mine, I named them Hope and Ava 2) to help the cause that allows women to feel they can talk about miscarriage and not feel silly (cos it wasn't really a baby right???!!!), judged, guilty or avoided 3) to acknowledge the dads who lose their babies too and can be overlooked, in my case these were my partners first ever children and I know he suffers in silence at times.
God bless and good luck to all ❤️
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