It was 16th October 2015 when we found out we were pregnant, it came as such a shock. We were so excited and felt so blessed to have been given this beautiful baby.
Everything was brilliant, I was getting a little bump and my sickness wasn't as bad as everyone had told me it would be. I had some back pain and some spotting and had two early viability scans that shown good development so our minds were put at rest.
The morning of our 12 week scan I had some spotting but I was so confident that everything was okay as I was getting big already, the doctors had even suggested it could be twins. We were planning on telling everyone after the scan and I'd even got the Christmas cards from us all including the baby ready to post that morning.
I think a big problem was that I hadn't heard any stories of the dark side of pregnancy, nobody shared their stories with me until I told them mine.
As we went into the room waiting to see our baby moving about and preparing buy spending £20 on photo tokens to give out to our family. The lady said she was going to get her bearings before showing us the baby, she said the words that you never want to hear and I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for.
'I'm so sorry, it's not good news'
I was in such shock, how could it not be okay, a few days ago I was being sick all day and I was watching my belly grow. A nurse explained to me that this can happen, a missed miscarriage.
I felt so let down by my body, felt like as a mother I should know that something was wrong with my baby.
We chose to had medical management to try and get the physical process over as quick as possible and be able to grieve. It was 15th December and my brothers birthday that we finally said goodbye to the baby, at least we thought that was the case.
I then had numerous complications and ended up in total having 3 separate operations to remove any retained products. I think the most painful experience in our life for us was made so much worse due to feeling so isolated.
It's such a taboo subject and it's so sad that mothers and fathers almost feel ashamed to discuss the loss of their child.
People now ask me innocent questions like "when are you two planning on having children" or even when parents discuss pregnancies and you feel like you can't comment. There have been many innocent comments that have brought me to tears in the most inappropriate places.
Nobody should feel ashamed of their losses or feel uncomfortable discussing their babies. Even though we are still trying and undergoing treatment for the problems I've incurred too due to the miscarriage.
I am so grateful for whatever time I had with my baby whether that only be a short time. I think the most important thing is to bring awareness and encourage women to share their stories so other women can gain knowledge and feel connected with others rather than isolated in their pain.
I'm very lucky as my fiancé has been so supportive and we have dealt with our grief together. However, some people deal with grief differently and that's okay, I think it is crucial to develop more awareness so those people have other outlets to help cope.
I will forever be broken by what happened to us but I will also know now thanks to other women sharing their stories that we are not alone in our pain and we have hope that we can still try again and meet our rainbow baby.
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