This weekend should be celebrating the 1st birthday of my 1st baby.
I never got to meet my baby. It died whilst inside, yet my body didn't recognise what had happened and enthusiastically continued with my pregnancy.
My body continued to change but I knew something was wrong and suspected a missed miscarriage.
The Doctor refused to send me for a scan. I was sent away with 'I'm sure everything is fine'. Everything was not fine.
The next month was spent plagued with doubt, stress and fear. We finally decided to pay for a private scan. I'll never forget that appointment. Suffice it to say that for the very first time I realised what is meant by the phrase 'it felt like my world had ended'.
It took a further 2 months, 2 operations (my first general anaesthetic) and various other medical procedures and appointments, each with their own physical and emotional pain before I was given the 'all clear' of no longer being pregnant. What kind of 'all clear' was that anyway?
I had thought and dreamed constantly of my baby and our lives as a new family, I had stroked and talked to my bump, I had revelled in how my body was adapting to grow and nurture my baby, I had been a Mummy to my unborn baby and did everything I could every single day to ensure a healthy pregnancy.
My entire life crumbled over those few months and I ached for never being able to meet the baby I already loved so much.
Miscarriage happens in 25% of all pregnancies. Missed miscarriages are rare, but regardless of how a Mummy loses her baby, it's tragic.
I've been blessed since with a beautiful baby boy, and I love him unconditionally.
That doesn't mean I'll ever forget the baby I was never able to hold.
Break the silence and taboo around miscarriage.
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