I love my little girl so much and know she would never have existed if I hadn't had my miscarriage.

But I still feel the loss of my other baby and wonder about the child I never got to hold.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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April 2016

by Katharine Barnardiston

I struggled to conceive with my first pregnancy, but after 14 months of trying I became pregnant and had a healthy son. I suffered from Post Natal Depression so wasn't ready to try again until after he was 3, but was overjoyed when I became pregnant as soon as we started trying. I immediately started picturing our happy family of 4. But this time things didn't go as smoothly.

At 7 weeks I started having severe back pain and spotting slightly so went to the EPU.

The people I spoke to were very helpful and scanned me that day - we saw a heartbeat but the baby was looking very small and they could see some bleeding next to it. I was sent away to wait for 2 weeks before being scanned again. Those seemed the longest 2 weeks of my life, stuck in limbo not knowing what would happen.

My memory of the second scan is a blur. The heartbeat had gone. I remember nothing else.

I couldn't face the idea of more waiting so was booked in for an ERPC 2 days later. I remember sitting in the day surgery waiting room in floods of tears until a nurse spotted me and took me to a side room so I could grieve in peace.

What I remember is all the mixed emotions I had. I was devestated - my baby had been real - but at the same time I was bombarded with well meaning comments about at least I'd lost the baby early and how I was lucky to already have my son. I was lucky to have him - I hugged him tightly in those weeks - but I still mourned the child I'd lost.

And those mixed emotions remain.

I was lucky to become pregnant again before my due date. It was a difficult pregnancy, and I didn't enjoy it as I was so scared things would go wrong again, but I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl, I love my little girl so much and know she would never have existed if I hadn't had my miscarriage. But I still feel the loss of my other baby and wonder about the child I never got to hold.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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