by Katharine Barnardiston
I struggled to conceive with my first pregnancy, but after 14 months of trying I became pregnant and had a healthy son. I suffered from Post Natal Depression so wasn't ready to try again until after he was 3, but was overjoyed when I became pregnant as soon as we started trying. I immediately started picturing our happy family of 4. But this time things didn't go as smoothly.
At 7 weeks I started having severe back pain and spotting slightly so went to the EPU.
The people I spoke to were very helpful and scanned me that day - we saw a heartbeat but the baby was looking very small and they could see some bleeding next to it. I was sent away to wait for 2 weeks before being scanned again. Those seemed the longest 2 weeks of my life, stuck in limbo not knowing what would happen.
My memory of the second scan is a blur. The heartbeat had gone. I remember nothing else.
I couldn't face the idea of more waiting so was booked in for an ERPC 2 days later. I remember sitting in the day surgery waiting room in floods of tears until a nurse spotted me and took me to a side room so I could grieve in peace.
What I remember is all the mixed emotions I had. I was devestated - my baby had been real - but at the same time I was bombarded with well meaning comments about at least I'd lost the baby early and how I was lucky to already have my son. I was lucky to have him - I hugged him tightly in those weeks - but I still mourned the child I'd lost.
And those mixed emotions remain.
I was lucky to become pregnant again before my due date. It was a difficult pregnancy, and I didn't enjoy it as I was so scared things would go wrong again, but I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl, I love my little girl so much and know she would never have existed if I hadn't had my miscarriage. But I still feel the loss of my other baby and wonder about the child I never got to hold.
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