After so many years wanting you in our lives you decide to arrive after a month of just one attempt, not the normal countless attempts! It was the most exciting time we have ever experienced & we planned almost everything in those first few weeks.
I had my booking in appointment where I discussed my concerns that I was experiencing no symptoms however I was told I was one of the lucky ones. Something was telling me though I wasn't going to be lucky.
We booked an early scan to try to alleviate my anxiety, your Daddy was so positive & was certain everything would be fine.
The scan was booked for the Monday & on the Saturday the bleeding started. Daddy was away so I spent the weekend at home in bed trying to stay calm until he got home.
When he got home we went straight to the scan, she told us you had left us 3 weeks earlier - just one week after we found out you existed. Daddy was so amazing, for some reason I believed everyone else would be however I soon learnt differently.
I phoned my doctor the next day & was referred to the EPU.
This is where I went from feeling devastated to angry, I received no support, was treated by a Sister who had no empathy & treated me like it was just an everyday occurrence.
I know miscarriage is a every day, every hour, every minute occurrence but to me it wasn't, I needed facts, figures, I needed to know why, I needed to know if there was anything wrong with me, I needed to know what this meant for the future.
Instead I was poked & prodded & had to go back every other day to sit in a room with pregnant people while my bloods were tested.
Then before "my case could be closed" I had to show them a negative pregnancy test. To sit on a toilet a take a test to prove you had gone, that 9 weeks previous had been flashing at me was the hardest experience & I have never felt so lonely.
The anger I still feel towards the EPU has not gone, I can't believe that in something as common as a miscarriage more support and compassion is not offered.
6 months later I have just found out I am pregnant again and the fear is overwhelming. I can not enjoy a single second & feel I have no-one to talk to as it seems that miscarriage is just brushed away with comments like "you'll be fine this time".
I know there is nothing I can do & I have to hope for the best. Maybe I wouldn't feel as anxious had I received more support from those that are meant to be there to help.
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