I had only just gone back to work after being off on maternity leave, my daughter had just turned 1 a couple of months earlier so we decided, as I had just turned 37 , to start trying for another baby.
We were delighted when I fell pregnant after only a couple of months of trying . My transition back to work was not an easy one and felt quite stressed so when we decided to go on a family holiday to Notthumberland the timing couldn't have been better.
We went on the Friday and the day after we got there I started to bleed slightly. A trip to the local hospital resulted in me being booked in for a scan on the Monday but I never made that appointment.
Sunday night/Monday morning I started to bleed heavily and contracting. I was taken by ambulance to a hospital 40 minutes away , in total silence. I knew I was losing my baby, along with all the hopes and dreams of a family of 4 and my little girl being a big sister.
It was the 5th October 2015 and I was 11 weeks pregnant.
Not only did I find losing my baby heartbreaking, but the actual process was so traumatic. My baby was referred to as 'product of conception' which is a term which should be banned.
It was like, it's so common Mrs Dickinson, it's not your fault blah blah as my baby was taken from my body.
I went on holiday pregnant and came back not pregnant, both myself and my husband were heartbroken. I felt guilt in the fact that I had left my baby there too and came home without them.
Unfortunately, it didn't end there and I had 'retained product of conception' so haemorrhaged at will every few days for nearly 2 months. After several more trips to my local hospital, tablets that didn't work , I had an operation to remove whatever was left.
I thought it was like the baby didn't want to leave. I was suffering badly and was diagnosed with post traumatic anxiety and referred to counselling. What shocked me most was the lack of support offered following on , it's like you are just expected to get on with life with no follow up at all, like It's as common as a cold so not really that bad. I could not find one support group in my local area.
Friends didn't know what to say, family stayed away. I had to take time off work. I felt guilty, like I was being punished for something and just wanted it all to end. The worst was every time I got my period it took me back to that night , I even contemplated having a hysterectomy. It was a very dark time for us.
Non the less, I did eventually pick myself up, dust myself off and tried to get on with life , my daughter kept me busy and when it came to my due date in April I decided, rather than being sad, I tried to make happy memories instead of more sad ones, we had enough of those.
Not long after this I found out I was pregnant again, we were over the moon but it was tinged with guilt and worry of what I know can go wrong and at 11 weeks I stared to bleed again. I instantly knew it was happening again, and after a trip to the hospital they could only offer me a scan 3 days later, I could not go home and wait like I had done before so I booked a private scan for the same day.
I went in fearing the very worst only to be told that we were in fact having twins ! As I type this, I am 27 weeks pregnant with my rainbow babies.
It hasn't been an easy pregnancy for me after what happened, I try not to worry but it's always in the back of my mind and will be until I hold my babies in my arms.
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