I knew I was losing my baby

Along with all the hopes and dreams of a family of 4 and my little girl being a big sister.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.


October 2016


I had only just gone back to work after being off on maternity leave, my daughter had just turned 1 a couple of months earlier so we decided, as I had just turned 37 , to start trying for another baby.

We were delighted when I fell pregnant after only a couple of months of trying . My transition back to work was not an easy one and felt quite stressed so when we decided to go on a family holiday to Notthumberland the timing couldn't have been better.

We went on the Friday and the day after we got there I started to bleed slightly. A trip to the local hospital resulted in me being booked in for a scan on the Monday but I never made that appointment.

Sunday night/Monday morning I started to bleed heavily and contracting. I was taken by ambulance to a hospital 40 minutes away , in total silence. I knew I was losing my baby, along with all the hopes and dreams of a family of 4 and my little girl being a big sister.

It was the 5th October 2015 and I was 11 weeks pregnant.

Not only did I find losing my baby heartbreaking, but the actual process was so traumatic. My baby was referred to as 'product of conception' which is a term which should be banned.

It was like, it's so common Mrs Dickinson, it's not your fault blah blah as my baby was taken from my body.

I went on holiday pregnant and came back not pregnant, both myself and my husband were heartbroken. I felt guilt in the fact that I had left my baby there too and came home without them.

Unfortunately, it didn't end there and I had 'retained product of conception' so haemorrhaged at will every few days for nearly 2 months. After several more trips to my local hospital, tablets that didn't work , I had an operation to remove whatever was left.

I thought it was like the baby didn't want to leave. I was suffering badly and was diagnosed with post traumatic anxiety and referred to counselling. What shocked me most was the lack of support offered following on , it's like you are just expected to get on with life with no follow up at all, like It's as common as a cold so not really that bad. I could not find one support group in my local area.

Friends didn't know what to say, family stayed away. I had to take time off work. I felt guilty, like I was being punished for something and just wanted it all to end. The worst was every time I got my period it took me back to that night , I even contemplated having a hysterectomy. It was a very dark time for us.

Non the less, I did eventually pick myself up, dust myself off and tried to get on with life , my daughter kept me busy and when it came to my due date in April I decided, rather than being sad, I tried to make happy memories instead of more sad ones, we had enough of those.

Not long after this I found out I was pregnant again, we were over the moon but it was tinged with guilt and worry of what I know can go wrong and at 11 weeks I stared to bleed again. I instantly knew it was happening again, and after a trip to the hospital they could only offer me a scan 3 days later, I could not go home and wait like I had done before so I booked a private scan for the same day.

I went in fearing the very worst only to be told that we were in fact having twins ! As I type this, I am 27 weeks pregnant with my rainbow babies.

It hasn't been an easy pregnancy for me after what happened, I try not to worry but it's always in the back of my mind and will be until I hold my babies in my arms. 

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer


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