It was about 11.15pm on the day I discovered I was pregnant. I just felt different, I felt pregnant even though I had never been pregnant before. My husband went to buy a pregnancy test. After months and months of negative tests suddenly that little blue line finally appeared.
My husband and I couldn't have been happier. I didn't sleep a wink that night feeling excited and nervous at the same time. At 9 weeks and 2 days I started to get cramps that got worse and worse. An early scan was booked for me the next day at midday. That night bleeding began and at our scan the next morning we heard the words we were dreading to hear "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat". About 4 months on we discovered we were pregnant again. I felt so nervous and had a feeling it wasn't meant to be. I was right because at 5 and a half weeks we miscarried again.
I was prescribed medication for anxiety and depression. I was in a very bad place avoiding social situations including seeing my own family.
My husband and I decided we would wait for the new year and try again. Valentine's Day 2016 we discovered I was pregnant again. This time I had awful morning sickness, something I didn't have with the previous two. My symptoms were so much stronger. Would I be third time lucky? We paid for an early scan at 7 and a half weeks as my anxiety was awful and we saw our babies heart beating and told everything looked really good. Whilst this eased my anxiety I was still so scared.
At 12 weeks at 4 days, 3 days away from our official scan I woke up to a dull "pop" feeling. I ran to the bathroom and started to bleed heavily. Within an hour I had passed our baby and was rushed to A&E by my husband. I spent 8 hours in hospital being treated for blood loss. I kept saying "I have my scan in a few days, this isn't right?" I couldn't believe it has happened again. Surely at over 12 weeks I was in the safe zone? I just didn't understand. I felt like a failure. I am a woman, and I am born with the parts needed to grow a baby? So why had I failed three times?
We had taken the baby to hospital with us and were told it would be sent away before testing. We were told as we have had 3 miscarriages we would be referred to a specialist. We have had a letter with a consultation date for a few months time. It's hard knowing we have to wait. But it goes to show there is a long waiting list of those also wanting answers and wanting babies. It tells me that we are not alone in this.
There's a community of strong and brave women and men who are all fighting for the same thing, to bring a child into the world. My husband and I aren't bothered if we have a girl or a boy, or even wanting to have a certain amount of children. But would love to have at least one. I can't wait to see if our baby will have my husbands smile, or my eyes. What will their personality be like? What will they sound like? For now we are staying as strong as we can and hoping we get answers and a plan for trying again. We won't give up.
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