by Lyndsey Wood
Me and my partner Wayne had decided to try for a brother or sister for our son Liam just after his 1st birthday in September. We wanted a small age gap. Our pregnancy with Liam had luckily been very straight forward with no complications, although I am a natural worrier so I always had a bit of doubt when it came to trying for another.
We fell pregnant very quickly within 2 weeks of finishing my last contraceptive pill and we were over the moon. I stopped smoking straight away and started taking my pregnancy vitamins. Also my sister had just found out she was expecting at the same time and so did my both of my sister in laws! Life couldn't have been any sweeter at that point, I just remember comparing symptoms and speaking of how the babies would be hitting milestones together, growing up together etc.
At 10 weeks I suffered cramps and went to the EPU. I was given a early scan which showed nothing but a healthy baby with a good heartbeat, I came out relieved and more reassured. I then just had to wait 2 weeks for my dating scan. I was the last one out of me, my sister and 2 sister in laws to have the dating scan and I was very excited after seeing their photos of the little babies.
Everything looked good at the scan, the lady was just doing all the checks, me and my partner both stared at the screen and saw our little baby's heart beating away, moving around, we were so happy. About 10 minutes into the scan I noticed the sonographer had been doing measurements for quite a while and I noticed her face was quite serious, this was the first inkling I had that something wasn't right.
The sonographer looked at us and said she was going to get a second opinion from another sonographer as she had noticed something on the baby's skull which didn't look right.
The second lady came in and they both studied my baby's skull together and told me then that there was something quite seriously wrong with the baby's skull, we were then directed to the quiet room which is the room where you are sent to when there is bad news. We sat in there for a while just trying to absorb what we had just been told. They couldn't tell us much just that I was going to be referred to a consultant at the fetal medicine unit to have a more detailed scan and get a diagnosis.
I could not believe this was happening, my dreams of a healthy baby and pregnancy was over, I was already grieving the perfect healthy pregnancy as I knew this was not to be but my little Angel was still alive inside of me growing and thriving despite the serious problem.
I went home and got into my bed and cried and cried - that's all I remember crying till my eyes hurt.
2 days passed and it was time for my scan with the consultant to find out my fate. As suspected, our baby was diagnosed with an extremely rare neural tube defect, we were given the option to terminate straight away as the future looked bleak for our baby, but we were also told there was a small chance that the baby could just need an operation after birth and he or she would have a few problems as a result but either way this couldn't have been predicted until I was 20 weeks. As there was a small chance I decided to continue with the pregnancy as I had some faith left and I couldn't give up on my baby.
Another week passed and my bump was really beginning to take shape, I was finding it so hard to join in the baby conversation though with my fellow pregnant family members as I couldn't look that far ahead.
It was Christmas Eve and I'd gone to the toilet and noticed a tiny amount of blood. I rushed straight to the hospital and had a scan done, everything looked fine with baby despite the obvious problem with him/her. Heart was beating fine and baby moving around like mad. I was sent home and given reassurance that my cervix was closed and all was ok.
Christmas day came and I was still spotting a bit but had to try an forget it as I had my 1 year old son to think of, it was his Christmas and I wanted him to have a great day and have happy memories.
I was 13 weeks pregnant when I felt something like a period pain which began to get worse. Over the next 5 hours it had become like regular contractions every 5 minutes it was unbearable, I was advised to take some paracetamol, but it didn't help at all, I was crying in agony rolling around the bed.
I stood up and felt warmth, my waters had broken, I ran to the toilet screaming and next thing my baby came out into the toilet, my precious baby.
I cried like a baby and my partner phoned the ambulance as I was bleeding so heavily, the ambulance came and confirmed that it was my baby that had come out and the baby, cord and placenta intact was taken out and brought along to the hospital with us so that the midwives could confirm that everything was all there. We got to spend some time with our tiny baby who was so perfect looking, 10 fingers and 10 toes, I just remember saying why did you have to go? I had so many hopes for our baby.
We said goodbye and our our hospital invited us to the end of month cremation service where our baby was cremated and we got to keep the ashes.
I decided to wait a good few months before trying again as I needed to come to terms with things.
In July my nephew was born he was the last baby to arrive out of my sister and sister in laws that were pregnant at the same time. The day after he was born I found out I was expecting again, I was so happy but scared, I'd prayed for this baby and I just knew he/she was a gift from my baby in heaven.
As the weeks went on I had a scan and everything was looking good. At 8 weeks I bought a fetal heart doppler to listen to my baby's heartbeat at home. At 11 weeks and 5 days I'd decided to have a listen in, but I couldn't find the heartbeat! I just knew something wasn't right so when the morning came we headed straight to the hospital and I got a scan appointment.
I walked into the room - it was the same room we were in 10 months previous when I'd been given the devastating news that my baby had a problem. Within minutes the sonographer said 'I am so sorry but I cannot see a heartbeat.' Her colleague came to double check, they looked at one another then agreed that my baby had died just the day before.
I just broke down, not again, not another one of my babies, how could this be? Am I really that unlucky? We were sent to the dreaded quiet room again where we discussed options of how my baby would be removed from my body. I couldn't face the idea of a d&c as I wanted to hold my baby and say goodbye so I opted to go home and wait for a miscarriage.
I went home and 1 day passed I was still pregnant but I'd lost my baby, nothing at all happened. I rang up the hospital and changed my mind and made an appointment to go into hospital and have medical management basically have tablets to induce my miscarriage. It was my sons 2nd birthday the next day and we'd had the zoo booked, a family day out, instead I had to go to the hospital to take my first pill and come home. I told my partner to still take my son to the zoo as it was his special day and once again I didn't want this to ruin his day, he didn't know.
48 hours later, it was time to be admitted to hospital, where after 4 hours, I delivered my tiny lifeless baby and his or her placenta.
3 weeks later we attended our baby's cremation service and brought home the ashes to be with our other baby. I now had 2 sets of ashes in my room. I fell into severe depression afterwards and it wasn't over, I bled for 100+ days afterwards and was still getting positive pregnancy tests, I knew it wasn't normal. I had a scan which showed I had a lot of tissue remaining, and had to have a D&C operation to remove it all. A few weeks later, I was still bleeding. I had another scan which shown lots more very vascular tissue in my womb. I then had to have an injection (which is more commonly used in ectopic pregnancies) to destroy the tissue in my womb and stop it from growing.
Weeks later I was STILL bleeding, as if coming to terms with losing my baby wasn't enough I had been bleeding for 3 months and it wasn't over. After yet another scan I was told there was still tissue remaining and I'd have to have another D&C operation, but this time with a hysterescopy camera to have a look around, the operation was a success and all tissue was removed, I now had to wait for biopsy results of the tissue which had been removed.
I got my biopsy results back which showed there had been a change in the tissue since the first D&C. I was told that it had more than likely been a partial molar pregnancy which meant basically 2 sperm had fertilised 1 egg and created my baby but it didn't have the right chromosomes to survive, so there baby grew as much as it could but the placenta was what they call molar tissue which is why it had embedded into my womb and kept on growing even after the baby had gone out of me. Thankfully after the longest 4 months of my life I was given the all clear no more tissue inside of me and I could try for another baby if I wanted to.
I was terrified and traumatised, the thought of going through that again, the thought of getting used to the idea of having a baby then having it taken away from me didn't bear thinking about. I decided I would never try again, but 8 months on I became pregnant again, crazy I know. But I just couldn't give up, I remembered why I'd started that long journey, and that was because I wanted my son to have a brother or a sister to love and play with and share his life with, that thought was far stronger than the thought of things going wrong.
I started the pregnancy with the attitude that no amount of worrying was going to determine to outcome, I knew I had to enjoy every second of carrying this baby as I didn't know whether it would end at any moment. As the months went on and numerous tests were carried out, I was told at my 20 week scan that the little baby GIRL I was carrying was perfect in every way. Her skull was perfect, her spine we perfect and there was NO molar tissue.
4 months later I gave birth to my healthy daughter Lola. She was truly the rainbow after the terrible storm and now at 10 months old, I still cannot believe I have her, she is my rainbow princess and to see her and my 4 year old son Liam play together is just PRICELESS.
When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. ~anonymous
How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footsteps have left
Upon out hearts
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