I have recently suffered my second miscarriage and I'm finding it desperately hard.

Three months on and I have no answers. I am grieving for my children that never were.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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Karen and her baby.

by Karen Meikle

May 2016

I have started this post over a hundred times. The sadness just overwhelms me and I find it hard to articulate. To share. But I feel I must. Catharsis if you will. You see I should be an imperfect Mum to more than just Rory.

I have recently suffered my second miscarriage and I'm finding it desperately hard.

The first pregnancy was a happy surprise. I didn't even realise I was pregnant until I was 7 weeks but Simon and I were delighted.  It was the following week that I noticed the light-headed feeling had left me.  My familiar pregnancy symptom. The thought of a glass of wine didn't turn my stomach. I didn't feel pregnant. I could forget. 

With Rory I felt pregnant every second of every day.  I knew something was wrong.  I just felt it in my heart. It was a week later I started bleeding.  A Saturday.  I had to wait until the Monday for a scan to confirm I was losing my child.  The sonographer was silent as she scanned. 

The seconds felt like hours as I willed her to speak yet dreaded her words.  "I'm very sorry....". The baby had stopped growing a few weeks earlier. My body had now realised and I was miscarrying naturally.  We were given information and sent home to allow my body to complete the process.  Process sounds like such a harsh word. 

I didn't know how to describe it. Words didn't matter. The next 48 hours were filled with despair, fear and sadness. 

I was scared of what I would see. That's the bit nobody talks about. I called my friend who was graphic and factual.  Exactly what I needed at that time.

After the miscarriage I picked myself up and carried on. I had to. I couldn't cry in front of Rory. He needed me. I fell pregnant again within a few months. We were hopeful yet nervous. But once again I had a cloud over me. I didn't feel pregnant. Sure enough  around the same time as the previous pregnancy the bleeding started again. I went for a scan to confirm what I already knew.  I had not prepared myself for what followed. The sonographer could see a heartbeat. "Congratulations. I can see a heartbeat. I think you must have just got your dates wrong as baby is only about 5 weeks". I felt like she had slapped me in the face. I knew two things.The first one was that my dates weren't wrong. The second was that I was losing my baby.

I left the room devastated. Confused. Shocked. Horrified.  We returned home and within a few hours I had miscarried again. I didn't understand. How could we have seen a heartbeat a few hours ago? Why couldn't I carry my babies safely?  How could my body have failed me on such a tremendous scale?

Three months on and I have no answers. I am grieving for my children that never were and I am sad that I will never again experience the joy of a carefree pregnancy like I had with Rory.

We would love to have more children. And I know that a positive pregnancy test is only just the beginning of a long journey towards holding another child. But all we can do is hope. It's all we have.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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