I have never felt such heartbreak

by JJ Siggee-Atkinson

May 2016

I have had 9 miscarriages, 11 babies.

My first miscarriage with my partner happened in 2009 when I was 17. I remember seeing those two little blue lines and thinking "Oh no, what am I going to do? I can't be a mum, I'll be terrible", but I knew straight away I'd give it all I had. I knew from that moment I was going to keep it. I'd bled through the whole pregnancy so far so when the scan date finally arrived I was so scared and nervous. We sat in the waiting room and my name was finally called. This was it. I lay on the hospital bed waiting. She turned on the monitor, squeezed on the jelly and pressed the ultrasound probe to my stomach. I held my breath and there was my baby. Wriggling and waving with a steady strong heart beat. I couldn't contain my tearful laughter. From that moment on I knew I was going to love this baby with all of my heart. 

Just over a week later in the evening I started getting cramps. I thought nothing of it as the doctors kept reassuring me my baby was fine. So I just went to bed. At around 4am I woke with excruciating pain and went downstairs to the living room (Now I am the sort of person that I won't bother someone even if I really need them) and I left my partner asleep in bed. The pain was slowly getting worse and closer together. At the time I lived with my sister and her son and around 6am my sister woke and found me on the sofa with laboured breathing and tears streaming down my face. I explained what I could and knew the conclusion she was coming to was right.

I knew I was having contractions, I knew I was in labour and I knew I was having a miscarriage.

She phoned an ambulance and woke my partner and other sister up. When the ambulance arrived I could only take one person with me. As much as I wanted my partner there I couldn't bring myself to do it. I could see it was already cutting him up seeing me like this. We were only young. So I took my sister with me. They gave me gas and air which I found didn't do anything for me. I got to hospital. They put me in my own room, hooked me up to a morphine drip and left me and my sister to it. Where was the care, the compassion. I was scared, heartbroken and shocked. My second oldest sister was my rock. She held my hand, stroked my face, kissed me and told me everything was going to be okay. I laid my hand on my stomach and spoke to my baby. I said "I love you, don't you dare give up, I'm not ready to lose you. You're my baby" I wished and I prayed. But I knew it was all worthless. The pain became unbearable, my body arched off the bed, the pain disappeared and I went limp.

We called the doctor, She gave me an internal examination and then the words came. "There's the sac. The foetus is still inside. I'll have to remove it". My heart broke. Shattered into a thousand pieces. A cry came from me that I'd never heard before. I was lost and alone. I held my baby at 12wks and 2days. My beautiful baby boy! With tiny eyes and a tiny nose. His fingers were open with the smallest fingernails I'd ever seen. My boy was gorgeous. He was my Archie! So perfect. I was asked what I wanted to happen now. I told them I was going to take my baby home and bury it privately. The ride home to me was quiet, I clutched the box that held my baby to my stomach and silently cried. 

I have never felt such heart break. I have never dealt with anything that hard in my life.

I fell pregnant again a year later. I knew I was pregnant for a day then miscarried at home. Two years later I fell pregnant again. I was petrified. I tried not to get excited. I had my first midwife appointment, things were going well. I went out for the day with my partner and started lightly bleeding and began experiencing pain. I knew what was coming, my partner tried staying positive for the both of us. We went home and the pain started getting worse. He drove us to hospital. I had blood taken and a urine sample done. Which no one came back with the results of. I was put on a ward with a lot of old women. In excruciating pain and couldn't even make a noise. I was given paracetamol it didn't touch the sides. No one really cared on the ward. I spent the night tossing and turning in pain as they wouldn't give me any stronger pain relief.

Finally the morning came with caring nurse. She put me in my own room. I was given stronger pain relief and I managed a few hours sleep. I woke needing the toilet desperately. I had the miscarriage on the floor. There were three sacs and two babies. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I rang the nurse bell and she came in to help me. She took them away. This time I let them investigate. I kept all of my emotions hidden. I didn't let anyone see my pain. I was a black hole. A zombie. A few days later it was confirmed I had triplets. It was like a punch to the gut. How much more can I take. We had investigations done. I was medically fit to have a baby. Nothing wrong with me or my partner. I was told "It's just sheer BAD LUCK." Over these last three years I have had another 6 miscarriages all within 4 - 6 wks of pregnancy and I just want to thank our family and friends for all the love and support you've given us!

We will not give up! We have courage! We have dealt wit a lot! My partner and I WILL have our rainbow baby!